Pitch Perfect 2: An Abridged Script

INT. LINCOLN CENTER – BIG A CAPPELLA PERFORMANCE

CO-HOSTS of the PODCAST, JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS and ELIZABETH BANKS are busy BEING CATTY.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
Here we are again, back for the PITCH PERFECT SEQUEL. I’m basically Simon Cowell with misogynist attitudes air lifted from a fifties sitcom.

ELIZABETH BANKS
And I’m the other verbally abusive co-host, only once in awhile I say something nice to confuse everyone. Plus, I direct.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
Girls suck at directing. Anyway, may I introduce three time champions, BARDEN BELLAS, an all-female a cappella group, headed by ANNA KENDRICK and BRITTANY SNOW, performing – boy, do they stink or what? Also I would like to note that member REBEL WILSON is fatly unattractive. And unattractively fat.

ELIZABETH BANKS
Jeez, who peed in your Cheerios, no wait…Ah!

REBEL WILSON enters suspended on a PROP MOON and RIPS HER PANTS thus traumatizing an entire audience and setting off a chain panicked reaction on the talk show circuit because WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS always take precedent in the news over such things as wars, riots and natural disasters.

INT. DEAN’S OFFICE

The BELLAS meet with the school DEAN, plus ELIZABETH and JOHN, who apparently have nothing better to do with their lives than mock already humiliated college kids.

REBEL WILSON
Look everyone, I am so sorry about the whole thing, even though it was technically an accident and probably the fault of whoever was handling the MOON in the first place. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

DEAN
Are you sure you didn’t do it on purpose being that it’s every young woman’s dream to expose herself and have her private parts discussed endlessly in public? Isn’t that what all the kids are doing nowadays?

ANNA KENDRICK
Get real. And please don’t tell me we’re about to be subjected to a lot of ridiculous DISCIPLINARY MEASURES that we at first protest but then turn out not to matter at all in the end. We know how well that worked out in the first movie.

DEAN
No, you are. You will be replaced on your victory tour by a psychotically flawless German group whose members appear to have been made in a pop star laboratory. Also, you can’t compete at the big international competition, and you will forever after be in disgrace. Ha ha.

ELIZABETH BANKS
Plus you can’t accept any NEW MEMBERS, even if they happen to be PERKY, NAIVE but GIFTED HAILEE STEINFELD.

ANNA KENDRICK
Given that LOGIC is not this movie’s strong suit, I would like to propose an alternative. What about if we WIN the competition we CAN’T COMPETE AT in the first place. Would that make everything magically all right again?

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
(laughs so hard, he wets himself)
Sure, but you’ll never win. You’re girls! Unless you get a sex change, you have no hope of winning.

ELIZABETH BANKS
(laughs so hard, she ruptures a blood vessel)
Also, you’re AMERICANS. Everyone hates Americans, although this is yet another obstacle that will somehow vanish and never again be a major part of the plot.

LOGIC
(steps in bear trap, is promptly trussed up and never heard from again)

ANNA KENDRICK
(checks watch)
Whatever. We shall rise above your mockery using pluck, positive thinking and girl power to triumph in the end.

BRITTANY SNOW
Do you have to be somewhere, ANNA?

ANNA KENDRICK
(looks trapped)
Just have to go…pick up some dry cleaning.

ANNA goes to her SUPER TOP SECRET INTERNSHIP at a RECORD COMPANY, headed by KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY, thus committing the major sin of not spending every waking moment with the Bellas, and also the one of actually building a resume for after graduation, if you can imagine.

INT. BELLAS’ HOUSE of SHAME

HAILEE STEINFELD knocks at the door.

BRITTANY SNOW
Can we help you?

HAILEE STEINFELD
Gosh, yes. My mom was a Bella, and I want to AUDITION more than anything in the whole wide world.

BRITTANY SNOW
We can’t – oh wait, why not? It’s not like we ever get penalized for doing anything except exposing ourselves.

HAILEE STEINFELD
(sings like an angel)

BRITTANY SNOW
All right, you’re in.

HAILEE STEINFELD
Also, I can write original tunes. Like, songs that have never existed before I wrote them down and they came out of my mouth.

BRITTANY SNOW
That’s nice, dear. But we’ll pass. For now anyway.

INT. PERFORMANCE CENTER

The BELLAS, who have come to see their rivals, DAS SOUND MACHINE, huddle miserably in the wings, while the group performs and totally BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE.

BRITTANY SNOW
Boy, do they have a lot of props. That’s what we need, too! Get out those hula hoops pronto. Hey, what’s wrong, ANNA?

ANNA KENDRICK
I think I’m getting a crush on the leader, BIRGITTE HJORT SORENSEN, who goes by KOMMISSAR, even though I’m in a committed relationship with SKYLAR ASTIN. Whenever she says something snide, I have an incredible urge to compliment her and make bad eighties’ puns.

BRITTANY SNOW
Whatever. But where do you keep rushing off to? And why aren’t you more committed to mixing our music?

ANNA KENDRICK
(looks trapped)
Um, well, I’ve just been really busy lately. Being busy. Bye!

INT. RECORD COMPANY RECORDING ROOM

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY is busy recording SNOOPY DOGGY DOG’s Christmas album and dealing with SNOOP’s enormous EGO.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY
(under breath)
This isn’t working. There is absolutely nothing to make this performance stand out.

SNOOP DOGGY DOG
(real suggestion)
We could try water skis! Because it’s a Christmas album, it will be ironic.

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY
Great, SNOOP! Wait, what are you doing, ANNA?

ANNA KENDRICK
(sings backup like an angel)

KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY
(jaw starts to drop, but quickly closes it)
Wow, ANNA, I never knew you were so talented. By the way, if you have a DEMO you’d like to give me, I might possibly condescend to have a listen.

ANNA KENDRICK
(jaw drops for real)
OK!

INT. ANOTHER COMPETITION

ELIZABETH BANKS
So here we have the BELLAS, who, despite being humiliated and banned from competition, seem to be performing again. How did this happen?

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
Don’t look at me, I didn’t write this script. Oh no – look at all those props.

The BELLAS pile up the props until one MEMBER CATCHES on FIRE, seriously. Because despite REBEL’S mishap, they still haven’t grasped the importance of hashing out such issues during dress rehearsal.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
(real line)
This is what happens when you send girls to college.

ELIZABETH BANKS
(real line)
It looks like the BELLAS have lost track of who they really are.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
Subtlety is not this movie’s strong suit, is it?

ELIZABETH BANKS
Next to logic, it’s a definite weak point.

EXT. THE GREAT OUTDOORS

The BELLAS go on a retreat at a facility owned by former BELLA leader, in order to get their groove back and discover who they really are, after all.

EXT. CAMPFIRE, LATE at NIGHT – TIME FOR SOME BONDING

ANNA KENDRICK
Guys, I’ve been keeping a huge secret. I’ve been sneaking off to an INTERNSHIP so that I might not be destined for a lifetime of eating Ramen after graduation. Can you possibly forgive me?

BRITTANY SNOW
Of course not, you lying, backstabbing bitch.
(forgives her)
By the way, I’m super scared of graduating, but this time, I’m going to do it for real. Not that I couldn’t still blend in by staying here, as everyone at this college appears to be a little long in the tooth, but hey, go me. What about you, REBEL?

REBEL WILSON
Since I’m a free spirit, I’m going to do free spirited stuff after graduating, no wait, I’ve been kidding myself all along, and now I realize I’m in love with ADAM DEVINE. Bye, I got to go see about a boy.

BELLAS
(burst into song spontaneously)
Go west, young girl
It’s time to move
Hey, what do you know
We’ve found our groove!

HAILEE STEINFELD
Why do you still look down, ANNA? Or am I confusing clinical depression with your normal expression?

ANNA KENDRICK
My boss hated my demo. He says that anyone can do song mashups, but it takes someone special to write original tunes.

HAILEE STEINFELD
Uh, why don’t we just COLLABORATE?

They do, and this WORKS, which stuns everyone who’s never seen a movie before.

INT. COPENHAGEN – INTERNATIONAL COMPEITTION

BRITTANY SNOW
I’m so nervous. What if they throw things at us for being girls and Americans? Not to mention American girls.

ANNA KENDRICK
JOHN and ELIZABETH just made up those obstacles to mess with our heads. Seriously, once we get out there, no one will care. As long as we stay true to ourselves.

BIRGITTE HJORT SORENSEN, a.k.a. KOMMISSAR
Don’t turn around, but it’s me. Hi, losers, get ready for more humiliation.

ANNA KENDRICK
I’ll wrestle with the question of my sexuality later because it’s time to perform!

The BELLAS, including FORMER BELLAS like HAILEE’s MOM, go out and ROCK THE HOUSE.

JOHN MICHAEL HIGGINS
It looks like the Bellas have returned to the style that first made them so endearing. I am genuinely moved, despite absolutely zero evidence in this movie that I possess anything like a working heart.

ELIZABETH BANKS
(real line)
I thought you were going to say “gay.” Hmm, we seem to have switched personalities, no, just kidding. I am moved, too. Girl power forever!

THE END

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