Risky Business: An Abridged Script

FADE IN:

TOM CRUISE’s BEDROOM (voiceover)
The dream is always the same. I’m a major movie star, and everyone adores me. Then the dream changes: I’m freaking out on Oprah, and everyone thinks I’m unbalanced. Then I wake up, and I’m just starting my career. Everything’s cool!

INT. McMANSION of REPRESSION

TOM’s DAD
I just noticed that my stereo knob is twisted an eighth of a fraction out of place. Bad son.

TOM’s MOM
So we’re going out of town for a whole week. No breathing on my plot point, I mean, Faberge egg.

TOM’S DAD
Don’t forget the two other plot points: i.e. the Princeton interviewer who’s going to drop by at the most inopportune moment. And don’t use my car.

TOM CRUISE
Mom’s priceless egg, my Ivy League interview and Dad’s car. Nothing about say, hygiene, nutrition, emergency funds and safety? Got it.

The parents leave, and TOM does the tighty-whitey dance of celebration which will be parodied for years to come.

Then the door bell rings, and it’s CURTIS ARMSTRONG.

CURTIS ARMSTRONG
Tom, I’m telling you, you gotta say what the fuck. Make your move. Never let lack of attraction stop you.

TOM CRUISE
Well, don’t hold back, tell me exactly what you think of me, a complete virginal loser.

CURTIS ARMSTRONG
(dials a number, makes an appointment with a hooker from the Yellow Pages, thus providing a valuable education for the target audience)
Don’t worry, I can help with that.

TOM CRUISE
Can’t you just be a normal movie friend and invite the entire school over for a party or persuade me to take Dad’s car out for a joy ride to the Big City? Does anyone think your concern about my lack of sex life borders on the bizarre?

CURTIS ARMSTRONG
(hangs up, smirking)
Too late! Besides, those are all boring, PG-13 ways to teach life lessons to the main characters. This is an R-rated movie.

TOM CRUISE
Good to know.

EXT. McMANSION at night

The door bell rings, and it’s a GUY.

TOM CRUISE
(clutches teddy bear)
Uh…this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. Maybe you should, I don’t know, choose a non-androgynous professional name?  Seriously, is this the first time there’s been a mix up?

HOOKER
Hey, I’m a flexible guy, in more ways than one. You pay me for tonight, and I’ll give you REBECCA DE MORNAY’s number, and you can lose your innocence to her instead.  She may be slightly off, but she is at least of the female gender.

THIS HAPPENS.

INT. NEXT MORNING at the MCMANSION

TOM CRUISE
Uh, Rebecca, you can leave now that I’ve lost my virginity. I’m new at this, but I’m pretty sure that’s the way these things are supposed to work.

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Oh, let me stay a little while longer. You’ve got a really cool house.

TOM CRUISE
OK, but don’t touch Mom’s egg – or anything else.

That afternoon, TOM comes homes from school, and it’s gone!

TOM CRUISE
So apparently, my parents don’t have any kind of security system featuring cameras. I guess me and CURTIS had better pick a random restaurant and wait for REBECCA to show up.  Also, we might as well take Dad’s car.

THIS HAPPENS because this is how movie plots were massaged in the pre-cell era.

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Oh, hey, Tom. Can I get a ride?

TOM CRUISE
OK, but I want my egg back.  Who’s that in the car next to us?

JOE PANTOLIANO
I’m a pimp!  I’ve got a gun!  I’m almost definitely homicidal because I don’t have any character development worth noting.

CURTIS ARMSTRONG
I’m going to puke.

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING LAKE MICHIGAN

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Thanks, Tom, for letting me and my girlfriend, who slipped into the script when no one was looking, stay at your house.

TOM CRUISE
Gosh, be my guests.  By the way, how did you get started stripping?  It’s a rather an unusual career path.

REBECCA DE MORNAY
(smirks, pushes Tom’s father’s car into Lake Michigan)

TOM CRUISE
More high jinks?  Really?  And how are we supposed to get home now?

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Got me.

TOM is then late for school because he has to get the car towed, not to mentioned cleaned, which causes him to lose his temper and get suspended, and now his parents will give him the silent treatment forever because his future is totally over.

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Don’t worry, I have a plan.  We’ll get our friends to hook up and make lots of money.

TOM CRUISE
What the fuck?  It’s the eighties – greed is good.

EXT. McMANSION of REPRESSION which is now a BROTHEL.

The door bell rings, and it’s RICHARD MASUR.

RICHARD MASUR
This doesn’t look quite the typical house party that most Hollywood movies feature when the parents are away.  Should we do the Princeton interview some other time?

TOM CRUISE
No, it’s……come in.

RICHARD MASUR
(takes out Tom’s credentials)
Now, Tom, you’re very good looking, but you don’t really have the chops to be more than a pretty face on the big screen, do you?

TOM CRUISE
Wait, what about if I want to try being a Serious Actor? Like, I could be in a movie where I’d spend almost the entire time in a wheelchair. I could be an embittered, crippled war veteran. Total Oscar-bait.

RICHARD MASUR
Nope, not going to happen. Besides, in an Oscar race, roles for disabled British characters always have an edge.

TOM CRUISE
Looks like it’s a lifetime of leading actor roles!

REBECCA DE MORNAY
You know what will cheer you up? Sex on a train!

TOM CRUISE
That’s a non sequitur – no wait, I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

Next morning, Tom wakes up, and all the furniture is gone.  He’s forced to spend every cent of his brothel money to get Joe to give him it all back.

TOM CRUISE
So do you guys do this with all the naïve upper-middle class teens who hire you or am I a special case?  Why not just switch to a career as a cat burglar?

REBECCA DE MORNAY
Oh go home, and clean up before your parents arrive back.

INT. McMANSION

TOM’s MOM
Oh my god, a crack in the egg!

TOM’S DAD
You’ve just given your mom a nervous breakdown, young man.  You are in serious trouble.  Go rake the leaves.

TOM CRUISE
Rake the leaves?  I know a faster way to earn….”

TOM’S DAD
Go!

EXT: BACKYARD

TOM’s DAD comes out to join Tom.

TOM CRUISE
Let me guess – something else got nicked?

TOM’S DAD
No, I just got off the phone with Richard.  He was very impressed by your Princeton interview.  He says you’re as good as in!

TOM CRUISE
So now, all is forgiven, and you love me again, right?  Boy, are you a lousy father.

TOM’S DAD
How can you say such a thing?  Haven’t I been telling you all along to say what the heck?

TOM CRUISE
Actually, I think that was Curtis, but I’ll give you a pass.

INT. FANCY SCHMANCY RESTAURANT

TOM CRUISE
My name is TOM CRUISE. I am a total hottie. Even in my underoos. This movie is gonna make millions. Time of your life, right kid?

REBECCA DE MORNAY
I think we’re both going to be very successful.

TOM CRUISE
Well, I am, at least.

REBECCA DE MORNAY
At least, I’m not going to wind up a Y2K punchline.

TOM CRUISE
Touche.

END

 

 

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