An Abridged Script: The Intern

FADE IN

ROBERT DE NIRO is addressing the audience, no wait, he’s talking into a newfangled video camera.

Hello, it’s me, Bob. I’m a RETIRED WIDOWER, who’s bored out of his gourd with Tai Chi and going to funerals every week. That’s why I’m doing this video interview to show ANNE HATHAWAY that I’m a perfect fit for her ONLINE FASHION COMPANY INTERNSHIP. I was originally going to haul out my portable Corona to type up a cover letter and resume, until I realized that I needed to get with the times. So here I am…

(real line)
I still have music in me!

(under breath)
I guess anyone who’s expecting the snarky dialogue of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA is going to be disappointed. Oh well.

INT. ANNE’S FASHION COMPANY HEADQUARTERS

HIP ANNE HATHAWAY rides a bike indoors through a crowd of HIP MILLENIALS who part like the Red Sea before her because she is the BOSS. And FEMALE! A FEMALE BOSS in 2015 – OMG, stop the presses! No wait, too last century – send out some tweets instead! Then she conferences with ADAM DEVINE.

ADAM DeVINE – HER VEEP, ASSISTANT or JUST SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN TO
Remember when you said you wanted to mentor a specific INTERN for our upcoming program? Well, we’ve got ROBERT DE NIRO, who’ll be great because he has lots of EXPERIENCE, even if it was with a phone book company. Plus, he looks unlikely to keel over anytime soon.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(scrunches up face adorably)
We’re implementing an INTERSHIP PROGRAM? Oh wait, yeah. Okay, let’s go with ROBERT because I can’t possibly work with a senior female intern, as I have MAJOR MOTHER ISSUES. Shit, that MESSY DESK is driving me crazy.

ADAM DeVINE
I know, it looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Let’s assume it’s a repository for people’s random junk and not someone’s actual workstation.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Well, being the BOSS of this operation, I can’t possibly REQUEST that someone else clean it up, so I’m just going to bitch about it every time I go by.

ROBERT gets the position – cue the wacky intergenerational misunderstandings!

INT. ANNE’s OFFICE

ANNE HATHAWAY
You realize that in true movie comedy tradition, we can’t possibly get along right away, although we are both adults, well out of school, and I’m supposed to have at least a modicum of maturity in order to have made this company a success?

ROBERT DE NIRO
(affably)
I’m aware of that, yes, so I expect a period of awkward dancing around each other until boom, one day, we bond.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Cool! Oh, by the way, leave the door open – no, shut – Is it me, or is my CHARACTER coming across as a major flake, not just super stressed? Never mind, don’t answer that.

ROBERT DE NIRO
(smiles agreeably, shuts door and leaves to get started charming the pants off EVERYONE ELSE in the OFFICE)

INT. OFFICE – A FEW DAYS LATER

ROBERT’s HIP BUT CLUELESS COLLEAGUE
So there’s this girl? Who got mad and won’t talk to me? It’s driving me crazy, man.

ROBERT DE NIRO
You should talk to her in person to show her how much you care. Also, it can’t hurt to carry a handkerchief in case she starts to cry.

RHBCC
(is happy with ROBERT’s sage advice)

Suddenly, ANNE enters and does a double take.

ANNE HATHAWAY
OMG, who cleaned up that HORRIBLE MESSY DESK? You are a miracle worker, ROBERT.

ROBERT DE NIRO
(smiles agreeably, continues to effortlessly endear himself to his COLLEAGUES)

ANNE HATHAWAY
I’m so impressed that I’m going to have RENE RUSSO, our company masseuse, give you a MASSAGE.

ROBERT DE NIRO
Jeez, what kind of reward would I get for actually accomplishing something meaningful – no, wait, let’s keep this MOVIE PG-13.

RENE RUSSO
(probing further and further south of ROBERT’s shoulders)
Just relax and enjoy!

ROBERT DE NIRO
(trying to control natural reaction of a heterosexual male)
Most kind of you. Say, would you like to maybe grab coffee or see a funeral together sometime?

RENE RUSSO
(intrigued)
Why not?

RHBCC
Wow, old people actually have a LIBIDO. Who knew?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS in ROBERT’s AGE RANGE
(roll eyes, not for the last time)

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE OFFICE

ROBERT goes out to confront ANNE’s CHAUFFEUR.

ROBERT DE NIRO
Er, I happened to be glancing out the window, and I noticed you drinking something out of a paper bag. So, anyway, I’m going to have to ask you NOT to drive ANNE home. I’ll do it instead.

CHAUFFEUR
(stamps feet, disappears in a puff of black smoke, is never seen or heard from again)

ANNE HATHAWAY
Gosh, you’re good at solving problems, ROBERT. You’re so good, I’m starting to feel that I can’t possibly be around you. You totally get me, and it makes me very anxious.

ROBERT DE NIRO
What? Since when is being affable, competent and flexible a bad thing? If I start acting like an incompetent bastard instead, will you want to keep me?

ANNE HATHAWAY
Oh, never mind.

ROBERT DE NIRO
Here, have some chicken soup.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Mmmm….

(passes out, starts to snore)

ROBERT DE NIRO
If I wasn’t such a flexible guy, this would be awkward, and she might wonder if it’s been laced with something once she revives, but I’ll roll with it.

INT. ANNE’s HOME – NEXT MORNING

ROBERT meets ANNE’s stay-at-home husband, ANDERS HOLM, and adorable daughter, JOJO KUSHNER, because apparently, he’s decided to assume permanent CHAUFFERING DUTIES.

ANDERS HOLM
Honey, if you’re not too tired tonight, maybe we could try having sex?

ANNE HATHAWAY
Um, okay…

ANDERS HOLM
Our daughter has a birthday party coming up – who’s going to take her?

ANNE HATHAWAY
We have a daughter?

ANDERS HOLM
Yes, it’s apparently not enough for you to neglect just me. Double the stress, double the guilt.

ROBERT DE NIRO
I can take her because I’ve got superpowers that allow me to both be at the office and at the park simultaneously.

JOJO KUSHNER
Yay! I want ROBERT to be my new best grandpa.

ANDERS HOLM
How did you manage to find a guy who’s Dear Abby, Miss Manners and Mary Poppins all rolled into one?

ANNE HATHAWAY
(busy texting ADAM about possibility of transferring ROBERT)
What?

INT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM

ADAM DE VINE
ANNE, the people investing in this company have decided that you’re too stressed and flaky, so we need to bring in a MALE CEO to help you out.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Wow, have we suddenly traveled back in time to the Mad Men era? Is my town car really a De Lorean in disguise?

ADAM DE VINE
Don’t be silly – everyone loves you, and it’s not like you’re being fired. It’s just that this movie is in desperate need of a plot. You see, ROBERT is too darned agreeable for there to be any real tension.

ADAM leaves, and ANNE begins to weep.

Suddenly, empathy in the form of ROBERT DE NIRO knocks.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Um, what’s up?

ROBERT DE NIRO
I just need your jacket – but don’t worry, you can have a handkerchief instead. Should I grab some soup, too when I’m out? A bottle of Prozac?

ANNE HATHAWAY
OK, if it’s not too much trouble.

ROBERT DE NIRO
ANNE, you are a COMPETENT, SUCCESSFUL PROFESSIONAL, and anyone who says different is wrong.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(sniffles adorably)

ROBERT DE NIRO
(mentally checks “Boost Boss’s Self Esteem” off his to do list, exits)

ANNE decides to transfer ROBERT, but then she comes to her senses and decides to transfer him back because – MOVIE LOGIC.

INT. THE CAR

ANNE HATHAWAY is doing eight different things simultaneously.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(on speaker phone)
Mom, I’m so stressed because one of the zoom in links on our website stopped working, and we’re losing business.

ANNE’s MOM
I’m not surprised at all. I have no idea what that even is, but I’m sure it’s your fault.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(types something derogatory, then sends it to the wrong person – her mom! Uh oh.)

ROBERT DE NIRO
Never fear, I have a solution.

ANNE HATHAWAY
No offense, but I’m screwed once Mom comes home and checks her personal email.

ROBERT DE NIRO
(real solution)
How about if I enlist some of my trusty colleagues, and we break into your mother’s house and steal her computer?

ANNE HATHAWAY
Ha, ha, good one – no wait, you’re actually serious. WTF, do you have multiple personalities?

ROBERT DE NIRO
No, but this MOVIE seems to. Excuse me for a second.

(goes into phone booth, changes into costume, emerges as Super Bob, and saves the day)

EXT. ANNE’S NEIGHBORHOOD

ROBERT DE NIRO is chauffeuring JOJO when he spots ANDERS with ANOTHER WOMAN. Double uh oh.

INT. THE KITCHEN OF UNSPOKEN BUT PALPABLE SHAME

ROBERT DE NIRO
I think we both know why I’m here.

ANDERS HOLM
Well, you may be here, but SHE never is. I love her, but a guy’s got needs.

ROBERT DE NIRO
I’m going to leave it up to you to do the right thing. Meanwhile, I’m off with ANNE to meet a POTENTIAL CEO.

INT. A HOTEL ROOM

ANNE HATHAWAY
Can I come in?

ROBERT DE NIRO
Be my guest. You do realize that this movie just got 100 more degrees of awkward, right?

ANNE enters in her BATHROBE, kicks off her SHOES, grabs SNACKS from the mini-bar and CURLS UP ADORABLY in BED next to ROBERT.

ROBERT DE NIRO
You certainly took me literally. What’s up?

ANNE HATHAWAY
I know I should hire the CEO since he sounds perfect, but I just can’t release my grip on the remote. Also, my husband is having an affair – do you think he’ll stop?

ROBERT DE NIRO
ANNE, you’re a SUCCESSFUL, COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL, and I think you should do whatever you feel is best. But as for ANDERS, no, I don’t think he’ll change.

ANNE HATHAWAY
The thing is, if I DIVORCE ANDERS, then no one will ever want to marry me again, and I’ll be BURIED ALONE. Gosh, we really are back in the fifties.

ROBERT DE NIRO
(real solution)
You can be buried with me and my late wife. But I’m pretty sure you have a few years to go before you should start worrying about that. Boy, this movie took a morbid turn.

ANNE HATHAWAY
Oh, ROBERT, what would I do without you?

ROBERT DE NIRO
(under breath)
Well, you could do what many in the audience are thinking and simply make ME the CEO. Presto, problem solved.

ANNE HATHAWAY
What?

ROBERT DE NIRO
Nothing. Shall I escort you back to your room and tuck you in – in a platonic manner?

ANNE HATHAWAY
Cool!

In the end, ANNE decides to go it SOLO, at least work-wise. Also ANDERS reforms, and all the other obstacles magically vanish, and they live happily ever after.

AUDIENCE
Why can’t my life be more like a NANCY MYERS’ movie?

END

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