Sisters: An Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT: ORDERLY HOUSE

AMY POEHLER chats with her parents, JAMES BROLIN and DIANNE WIEST, via Skype.

AMY POEHLER
So what’s up? It’s the good daughter checking in to make sure you’re still breathing. Oh, wait, you need to stand closer, so I can SEE you.

(under breath)
Jeez, we can do better than the typical old-people-don’t-get-this-newfangled-technology joke now, can’t we?
(squares shoulders, resolves to try again)

JAMES BROLIN
Amy, your mother and I are selling your childhood home because we’re busy having a life elsewhere. Can you tell your sister, TINA FEY, so we don’t have to deal with her probable potty-mouthed tantrum?”

AMY POEHLER
Er, you’re asking me for the sort of behavior you call me out for later in the movie…oh, all right.

DIANNE WIEST
Thanks, dear, we knew we could count on you! Now your dad and I are going to go have sex…I mean fun! We’re going to play canasta.

AMY POEHLER
OK, just don’t have a heart attack or anything. At least, not without telling me first. Bye!

INT: CHAOTIC HOUSE

TINA FEY is busy giving some random guy an eyebrow wax, when her daughter, MADISON DAVENPORT, arrives.

TINA FEY
OMG, you’re home. Where have you been all these months? Jeez, shouldn’t I be notifying the authorities if this was real life?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Everything’s fine, Mom. Why aren’t you at your job?

RANDOM GUY
Are my eyebrows supposed to be smoking?

TINA FEY
Er…I had the day off?

TINA FEY’s ROOMMATE
(storms in, holds up disgusting mass)
My doggie puked this up and it appears to be someone’s pubes. Tina, I’d really like you to leave soon.

MADISON DAVENPORT
This is grossing me out. I’m leaving again. Bye!

TINA FEY
Wait, are you supposed to be bipolar? At least stay long enough to establish a few consistent character traits, okay?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Isn’t it already obvious, I’m super-responsible because I’ve had to be the parent. That’s all the development I need. Bye.

TINA FEY
Fortunately, I’ve just gotten a call from my sister, Amy, who wants me to take a road trip to our Florida childhood home, so I don’t have to worry about stuff like a steady paycheck and a roof over my head. I’m outta here, too.

RANDOM GUY
Uh…hello?

FLORIDA HOMETOWN

EXT.: AMY and TINA’s OLD HOME

TINA FEY
What is THAT on our front lawn?

AMY POEHLER
It appears to be some kind of sign? Oh, wait, it says SOLD, so that’s a good indication that our house is no longer ours. Looks like our parents have up and sold our childhood home, which technically belongs to them and which they aren’t using anymore, but hey, how could they?

TINA FEY
(goes all Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”)

AMY POEHLER
Yeah, that’s why Dad asked me to tell you. We’ve got to get all our old stuff moved before the new people come.

TINA FEY
You FUCKING knew already?

AMY POEHLER
Let’s go inside and rummage around our eighties’ stuff to a montage. That’ll make you feel better.

They DO.

INT: AMY’and TINA’s OLD BEDROOM

TINA FEY
(reads from her old diary)
Today, I gave my first blowjob, after sneaking out after curfew to get my tongue pierced and get high.

AMY POEHLER
(reads from her old diary)
Today, I finished my algebra homework, ironed my socks and repotted my new cactus. Wow, we’re really playing against type here, aren’t we?

TINA FEY
Yep. Hey, are you wearing an outfit you had when you were a teen?

AMY POEHLER
(has a sneezing fit from the dust)
Apparently, our parents really meant it when they said they hadn’t touched our room. And apparently, when we were teens, we had more or less the figures we do now, since the clothes actually go on.

TINA FEY
I know what’ll cheer us up. Let’s have a HOUSE PARTY like we used to back in the day. And invite everyone we knew back then because that’s not remotely depressing or anything, right? And since no one but us has left the area, they should all be able to show up on such short notice.

AMY POEHLER
OK, as long as I get to drink, and you get to supervise. Since it was the other way around all through school.

TINA FEY
No fucking way…all right, if you insist.

INT: CONVENIENCE TYPE STORE

AMY and TINA go shopping and run into MAYA RUDOLPH.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Looks like you girls are having a party.

AMY POEHLER
Well, no…wait, you can come if you want.

TINA FEY
Since you have nothing better to do.

MAYA RUDOLPH
I do, too. I have a very fulfilling life. Besides which, I’m having a Jackie Gleason movie marathon.

TINA FEY
Boy, you really are a loser.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Look, so far this movie is desperate for some kind of conflict, since you and Amy get along so well, we need someone to add to the bitch factor. That’s my job.

AMY POEHLER
Whatever, we have to go.

Amy and Tina get pedicures and invite GRETA LEE, who is obviously oppressed and in dire need of fun because she is ASIAN and works in a salon, to their bash, as well as a whole bunch of random classmates they find on Facebook. Then they go clothes shopping, and Amy makes a super-secret call to her NIECE, who has been secretly staying with her, telling her to come on down and secretly join the fun because, hey, the more, the merrier. Then Tina tells Amy she has a new job and is moving here, which technically is a big fat lie.

INT:  CAR
TINA FEY
So what have you been doing for fun lately?

AMY POEHLER
I train service dogs and am mastering the art of making cheese.

TINA FEY
(slows car)
You need a life. Look, there’s IKE BARINHOLTZ doing landscaping. Go invite him to the party. Well, after making sure, he’s not married or anything.

AMY POEHLER
(actual question)
Hi, IKE. How are you with being made good-natured fun of by a couple of women who have never grown fully up?

IKE BARINHOLTZ
I’ll go with it. I majored in comebacks, with a minor in non sequiturs, so I think I can keep up with you.

AMY POEHLER
Great! And you’re single, right?

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Yep. Party at your place, I hear?

AMY POEHLER
Come on down. We may just be compatible.

Amy and Tina return home where they bump into the SNOTTY NEW HOMEOWNERS.

HUSBAND
We’re going to paint the porch blue because why not? It’s our home now, and we’re going to do this amazing thing called renovating to suit our taste. Which you have none of.

WIFE
And we’re gonna chop down your favorite tree, and pave over the grave of your beloved deceased dog.

TINA FEY
(actual line)
Your husband is GAY.

WIFE
What is this, elementary school? And why does it look like you bought out half a convenience store? Not planning on a party, I hope?

AMY POEHLER
No way, not us.

INT: HOUSE PARTY

FIRST GUEST
So look, here are the pictures of my latest mammogram.

SECOND GUEST
I can’t stay too long because we have to get back for the sitter.

THIRD GUEST
This one time? At the PTA meeting?

AMY POEHLER
(under breath)
Everyone is acting like a middle-aged person. Why did we not plan ahead for this? I mean, how bizarre is it that everyone is watching their alcohol consumption when they don’t even have to worry about getting carded?

TINA FEY
Let’s call JOHN CENA and buy some drugs. Because it’s a sure bet that no one has the maturity to just say no.

AMY POEHLER
OK, because even GRETA and her wacky friends, plus BOBBY MOYNIHAN acting like an idiot, and our lesbian friends who are DJ-ing can’t inject enough wackiness into this set-up. We need to get this party started!

TINA FEY
But first, I’m going to throw MAYA RUDOLPH out.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Your sister invited me. What the hell?

TINA FEY
Bitch factor, remember?

MAYA RUDOLPH
I’ll show you!

SOME TIME LATER

TINA FEY
(answers phone)
Mom and Dad? Oh, we’re just having a quiet movie night. That sound you hear is the DVD.

JAMES BROLIN
Good. Anyway, honey, we heard you have a new job and are moving here, so we are going to give you the proceeds from the house sale.

TINA FEY
Wait, you’re only just telling me this now? Isn’t this kind of an odd time?

JAMES BROLIN
Movie logic, honey. So I hope you girls haven’t spilled popcorn on the couch. Don’t stay up too late, hee hee.

TINA FEY
I gotta go.

(raises voice, rushes back to party)
OK, you can all go home now. Fun’s over.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
(cavorts half-naked with coke smeared around his nose)
Wheee! Coke is cooool! You’re supposed to be laughing at me, people.

REST OF GUESTS
OK, you’re marginally amusing. Now go away.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
Not a chance!

TINA FEY
Seriously, people, it’s time to go.

GRETA LEE
(dumps entire box of detergent into washing machine)
Cool! Bubbles!

MAYA RUDOLPH
(twirls mustache, pours paint into the sprinklers)

REST OF GUESTS
Well, we’ve pulverized the house, let’s go to town on the backyard!

(line up to sled through chocolate pudding, then cannonball off the roof into the pool)

Meanwhile, AMY is attempting to seduce IKE upstairs.

AMY POEHLER
(sprinkles hot candle wax all over Ike’s bare chest)
Apparently, we’re going to reenact “Body of Evidence.”

IKE BARINHOLTZ
You’ve got a kinky streak, I see. Shit!

Amy accidentally sets Ike on fire with a Garfield candle, only to realize that after she puts out the flames, there’s an even bigger problem.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Why do I hear music? Oh…

AMY POEHLER
That’s my music box. Which would explain why we hear music coming from a very unexpected place.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Ah! I’ve got a frigging music box up my ass. Don’t touch me, I’m leaving. They’re going to have hysterics in the ER, but it’s safer than here.

AMY POEHLER
No, wait.
(falls through floor)

TINA FEY
Jeez, you just wrecked the house even more. You think you’re so perfect, but you’re really not.

AMY POEHLER
(sticks out her coked up tongue)

MADISON DAVENPORT
(walks in suddenly)
What the hell?

TINA FEY
Hah, she’s been staying with you all along, Amy. Now this is actually a real grievance, but I’m going to act hysterical, and no one will take me seriously.

AMY POEHLER
What was that noise…

MAYA RUDOLPH
Aliens have just crashed their spaceship into the side of the house. Sucks to be you.

TINA FEY
Hah, good one.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Actually, a sinkhole has just opened up in the backyard, swallowing the pool. I’m out of here.

They rush out to find that suddenly, they’ve all stumbled onto the set of “This Is The End.” Amy and Tina express their emotions by mud-wrestling. with some hair pulling and eyeball clawing for variety. Then James and Dianne arrive.

JAMES BROLIN
What is this shit? Girls, it’s time to grow up.

DIANNE WIEST
You fucking wrecked the house you fucking fuckwits.

AMY POEHLER
(real line)
Mom, don’t swear.

DIANNE WIEST
Oh fuck off.

MADISON DAVENPORT
OK, I’m leaving again, since I’m the only person in this movie with any class and a triple digit IQ.

(slips, falls into sinkhole)

TINA FEY
Honey? Are you okay down there?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Yeah, but I think I found a copy of the SCRIPT. Also I’m gonna need a ladder to climb out.

JAMES BROLIN
You girls are grounded. Tina, you lied to us, and that’s not cool. And, Amy, stop trying to take care of everyone. Also, not cool.

AMY POEHLER
But…

JAMES BROLIN
Just. Get. A Fucking. Life. Already. But only after you and your sister repair the house.

DIANNE WIEST
Yes, get the fuck out of here, people.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Wait, I’ve decided that I really like Amy, and I’ll donate my services for free.

TINA FEY
Looks like setting a guy you’re trying to impress on fire is the way to go.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
(falls out of tree)
Whoo! Sex-eee girlfriend!

Amy and Tina, using pluck, determination and good old-fashioned elbow grease, fix up the house. Afterwards, all is sunshine and roses, and they live happily ever after.

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