(With all the show tunes in the movie, I left feeling poetical.)
Warning: The following may contain spoilers.
“Hail Caesar!” proudly flaunts its exclamation point,
Though it may seem way too cute
In the tradition of comedies like “Airplane!”
And “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.”
In it, Josh Brolin plays a fifties Hollywood exec,
A good Catholic by the name of Eddie Mannix.
However, by the time his day’s half through,
He’ll be ready to chug a bottle of Xanax.
You see, George Clooney, his lead actor is missing
And boy, does that make those in the film involved pissed
But as it turns out, they need not worry,
For George is squirreled away in a den of amiable Communists.
Because his latest film is Biblical in scope,
Josh meets with a rabbi, a prelate and a priest
To split hairs about the origin of Our Father
Of all his issues today, this will be the least
Meanwhile, comely mermaid, Scarlett Johansson, is irked,
As she’s in the family way
But without a ring on her finger,
She – and Josh – are not having a good day.
Alden Ehrenreich, who excels at playing cowboys,
Finds himself on the set of a period piece, suddenly feeling blue
With ultra-fussy director, Ralph Fiennes, wringing his hands
Every time he flubs a cue.
Channing Tatum, on the other hand,
Is having a gay old time
Tap dancing up a storm as a just conscripted Marine
With other young men in their prime.
But Josh finds himself pestered by twin reporters
Played amusingly by Tilda Swinton
Planning to spill the beans about a secret of George’s
In order to help her career or maybe just for fun.
However, he can’t stop to tarry too long
For he’s received a note demanding George’s ransom
From “The future,” but luckily Alden comes to his aid,
Proving he’s more than just handsome.
But before that, Alden has a date that night
Arranged with an actress with cheeks like peaches
They go to a premiere, then a hip restaurant
Where they sing “Glory of Love,” from “Beaches.”
After that, it’s time for Alden to track down George
Which luckily, he can achieve,
Prying George away from his newfound buddies, though
Is more difficult, as it makes George peeved.
One problem of Josh’s however resolves itself
When he introduces Scarlett to a shady but awed Jonah Hill
They wind up hitting it off
Though Josh is in the doghouse with his wife, Alison Pill.
He’s being tempted by a cushy job offer
Much less stressful than this one, no joking,
With all of this, he’s definitely picked
The wrong week to quit smoking
In the end, Josh manages to stave off Tilda
Then slaps into George a little more sense
Which inspires him to new heights of acting
Though he remains pretty much dense.
After all this, Josh takes a break
And heads for Confession
Where ultimately, he decides,
That he already is in the right profession.