2016 Summer Movie Lessons

May contain spoilers.

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

1. If your single glowing album review is from The Onion, it’s probably tongue-in-cheek.

2. If you are surrounded by sycophants, they will agree not to agree with everything you say and be unaware of the irony.

3. If one catchphrase is good, putting as many as you can think of in one song verse is better – just ask Simon Cowell.

4. It’s okay to do an issues song about legalizing gay marriage, as long as you use the word “not” a billion times to indicate that you yourself are not gay. (You might also want to check and see if it is still, indeed, an issue.)

Now You See Me 2

5. When an attractive member of the opposite sex appears in your home and tells you that she admires you, the best response is to guillotine her and then tie up her hands.

6. Never underestimate diminutive Asian women who ignore your greeting when you come into their magic shop, and especially don’t raise your voice and gesture to “help” them understand you. They could actually be a mastermind of a magical crime-fighting organization.

7. Machines that generate a boatload of rain can apparently be concealed and operated so that thousands of people won’t notice them and instead believe you’re actually some kind of god who can control the weather.

8. Macau, China is full of trapdoors, even in back alleys you can’t possibly have been in before, that can be used to dazzle during a magic act or just escape from people who want to kill you.

Me Before You

9. Avoiding taking your motorcycle out in the rain will not necessarily be enough to prevent you from becoming quadriplegic.

10. If you’re a quirky twenty-something whose only “skill” is making a mean cup of tea, you will be considered perfect to take a caregiving job to a cranky but handsome rich British gazillionaire.

11. If your former girlfriend and best friend visit you and act awkward, it might be because they have fallen for each other, not that you are in a wheelchair.

12. Outgrown childhood tights can actually be tracked down and found in an adult size, and it’s a sign that you are destined for the person who gives them to you, not the guy who buys you jewelry.

Free State of Jones

13. Sharp-shooting skills can be taught in less than ten minutes, enough to let previously untrained people participate in a gunfight and take the bad guys’ lives.

14. When attempting to collect someone’s possessions against their will, it’s a good idea to make sure each gun barrel pointing at you has an actual person behind it.

15. If someone whom you’re trying to kill claims to know your grandfather, the best thing to do is to put down your rifle and wrestle him to death.

16. Swampland has acoustics so amazing that your enemies will a) know the moment you attempt to remove a collar from a runaway slave, and b) appear almost instantly with guns drawn.

The Neon Demon

17. If you’re a small-town girl with big dreams and a guy named Chad tells you that you could model, you probably won’t make it professionally. Unless you’re Elle Fanning.

18. If you find a live tiger in your motel room upon returning, it’s probably a good idea to find someplace else to stay. Especially, if creepy, unshaven Keanu Reeves makes you pay for the damage.

19. Sometimes L.A. models mean things literally, like when they’re talking about “eating” people.

20. If a sinister looking guy tells you to get naked during a photo shoot, it’s possible that all he wants to do is smear you with gold body paint.

Ghostbusters (2016)

21. Moving your business to a space over a Chinese restaurant will not make your takeout come any faster and will not give you an adequate amount of wontons.

22. Trying to empathize with a unstable loner bent on unleashing destruction on your city is not going to work if you can’t remember any “good” things about the world.

23. It pays to test your ghost-busting weapons out on a non-moving target in an alley first, as some have quite a kickback which can send you slamming into a wall.

24. New York cabbies remain brusque and unhelpful, even as the city is being overrun by paranormal creatures.

Lights Out

25. Mothers who spend their time talking to their friend who died long ago are considered more fit parents than commitment-phobic eldest sisters by Child Protective Services.

26. If you’re having a hard time making a commitment to your boyfriend, start with baby steps, like letting him keep his clothes in a spare drawer.

27. When you start seeing words scratched everywhere in your home with nails, that’s when you know the resident ghost is getting exceedingly pissed with you.

28. If you’re fighting a light-phobic evil spirit, your cell phone will work as backup, if your candle goes out and your flashlight does, too.

Café Society

29. You should live each day like it’s your last because some day it will actually be.

30. If you blow off your neighbor and insist on playing your radio at the volume you prefer, It’s best to check and see if his wife has Mob connections first.

31. You should probably avoid hiring a prostitute if it happens to be her first day on the job.

32. If your nephew is oddly quiet while you monologue about whether to leave your wife for your mistress, it might be because he also wants to date said mistress.

War Dogs

33. There is no Table of Contents in the Book of Life.

34. Becoming an arms contractor for the US military is like being in Little League – there’s a trophy for everyone, no matter how klutzy.

35. If you hide rolls of cash from your wife, it’s best not to do in a way that winds up causing a leak for which she has to call the plumber.

36. Your business can be audited three times by the IRS, and yet no one will manage to pick up on the fact that you have fabricated almost all of your records.

37. And if your partner is going to keep hard copies of all this data, you’d better not do anything to antagonize him, or he might stab you in the back.

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