2016 Fall Movie Lessons

Warning: May contain spoilers.

The Disappointments Room

1. Resident ghosts can only be patient for so long before they order the recently moved-in residents to take a hike.

2. Always prop open the door of a mysterious hidden room if you intend to actually go inside for awhile.

3. Anniversaries of deceased children are not the best time to invite friends over to distract your wife, regardless of what your shrink says.

Snowden

4. The guy who playfully tosses you a Rubik’s Cube as he leaves work may actually be smuggling out top secret data.

5. Everyone who insists that they “have nothing to hide” would be horrified if they knew how easily their home computer can be hacked.

6. Microwaves are perfect for scrambling cell phones when you are meeting with a team of whistleblowers in order to leak NSA data.

Bridget Jones’s Baby

7. If you’re going to be kept in the dark as to which guy is the dad of your child until you give birth, you luck out either way if the dad is Colin Firth or Patrick Dempsey.

8. If you’re going to be an unwed pregnant woman in a film, you should definitely hire Emma Thompson as your physician because she is a load of wry British fun.

9. There are still fewer bigger satisfactions in life than quitting your job in a cloud of moral righteousness. Especially when you preface it with, “You can’t fire me because…”

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

10. You can go until your mid-teens without being aware that you have a superpower.

11. If you land on a Welsh isle and need a tour guide, do not engage a pair of wannabe rappers because they will desert you in a mucky bog.

12. Even the ultra-creepy peculiars have abilities that come in handy in battle, such as summoning up an army of rampaging zombies.

The Accountant

13. Training your two sons to fight will pay off, especially when they grow up and choose an adult career.

14. Inviting your accountant over to do some innocent target practice might result in some actual attempts on your lives.

15. If you mail someone a valuable painting, it pays to disguise it as a cheap reproduction first.

Ouija: Origin of Evil

16. If you’re a priest and you wish to discuss a child in your school, it’s appropriate to take her mom out to the fanciest restaurant in town.

17. You do not mess with a kid who has recently acquired the power to commune with the dead, no matter how big a bully you are.

18. If your companion is so scared he falls off his chair in a séance, you might get a free reading out of the deal.

Hacksaw Ridge

19. If you see a disheveled elderly man talking to himself in a cemetery, he might be a decorated veteran, so pay him the proper respect.

20. If the platoon returning from battle looks haunted, there’s a darn good reason, and you’d best be prepared that the worst is yet to come.

21. You don’t need a gun to be a hero while serving in a war (though it certainly helps).

Shut-In

22. Skype can be invaluable when you’re being stalked unaware in your own home.

23. There do not appear to be stiff penalties for losing a child you are supposed to be transporting to his new home as part of your job.

24. It’s perfectly possible to fake catatonia for sustained periods if you want your mom to care for you like a baby.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

25. Bank personnel are humorless jerks who refuse loans to honest, hardworking folk, even when they bring in a suitcase of delicious looking pastries.

26. Even the most beguiling witches can’t compete with a chance to leave them and hop into a magical suitcase.

27. If you’re a newspaper owner, never let the recent death of your pompous politician son get in the way of your covering a magical battle and an invasion of fantastic creatures.

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One comment on “2016 Fall Movie Lessons

  1. Jason says:

    Very amusing movies lessons! Very nice!

    Like

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