EXT. PACIFIC NORTHWEST VISTA
ZOEY DEUTCH (VO)
Some people have a zillion tomorrows. Me, I have only ONE, but wait, there’s a TWIST! Just stick with me, and you’ll see.
INT. ZOEY’S BEDROOM
(holds up iPhone which is set to the MOVIE SYMBOLISM PLAYLIST and blaring Big Data’s “Dangerous”)
Hello there. You’re going to hate me pretty soon, but don’t worry I’ll get my comeuppance eventually.
ZOEY acts like a BITCH to her LITTLE SISTER and PARENTS before bitchily stomping out to grab a ride to school with her bitchy best friend, HALSTON SAGE. They pick up CYNTHY WU and MEDALION RAHIMI who act all excited about facing another school day of bitchiness.
Hi, Zoey! Here’s a condom so you can lose your VIRGINITY tonight to KIAN LAWLEY. Won’t that be an intriguing decision for you to grapple with?
It would if anyone had bothered to develop this character. My designated “boyfriend” has less depth than a cutout Cupid. By the way, how do I tell you guys apart, other than the obvious ethnic differences?
I’m the blondest and bitchiest, which means I’m hurting the most under my mean exterior.
I’m the “smart” one, a term used loosely here because I kind of sort of know about the butterfly effect.
I’m the one who’s up for anything!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL
INT. ZOEY DEUTCH’s ENGLISH CLASS
Sisyphus. Not an STD.
This will be a lot less amusing when you hear me say it for the fourth time.
ROSE DELIVERY GIRL
Greetings! I have two dozen CUPID’S DAY ROSES for ZOEY as concrete proof she is the most popular of all.
(takes roses and preens)
Way to crib from “Mean Girls.” OK, hate me yet?
After class, ZOEY walks down the hall in slo-mo, disses her former friend, LOGAN MILLER, by pretending she isn’t going to his party, and then goes into the cafeteria to mock ELENA KAMPOUNIS because she is, gasp, different.
Gosh, it’s great being pop…what was that?
(rumbles in distance)
Never mind. Let’s go party.
INT. PARTY FULL OF DRUNK TEENS DANCING
ZOEY joins the PLASTICS on a couch where they hug and cuddle and diss the other partygoers.
Gosh, it’s great being popular. I don’t even care that my “boyfriend” is off hooking up somewhere…what was that?
(rumbles in distance)
Suddenly, ELENA bursts into the party and calls them all BITCHES, which at this point is being KIND.
How dare you speak the truth?
Plug it up! Plug it up!”
After ELENA runs off into the night, ZOEY and friends drive home.
EXT. LONELY PACIFIC NORTHWEST RURAL ROAD
What a looo-zer! As if.
Hey, keep your eye on the…
(is blindsided by oncoming car, dies a horrible death)
INT. MORNING in ZOEY’s BEDROOM
(wakes up to same song, looks completely the same as she did in the opening scene)
WTF? Was that a dream or what?
ZOEEY’s LITTLE SISTER runs in just as she did before and gives her the EXACT SAME ORIGAMI BIRD.
OK, I’m definitely getting the sense that…
MOVIE SYMBOLISM PLAYLIST switches to “Pretty Pimpin” in order to give ZOEY a HELPFUL HINT.
I get it now.
(keeps having deja vu through day; wakes back up after party in bed to “Dangerous”)
Good morning. It’s Valentine’s Day – again! Perhaps I should try acting like a decent human being for a change.
In keeping with this, ZOEY tells her mom that she’s beautiful, befriends their gay classmate, and persuades her friends to STAY IN with her and avoid the FATEFUL PARTY.
INT. PLASTICS’ CRASH PAD
Bummer, ELENA’s just committed suicide. Gosh, I’m glad I dumped her in elementary school for being a weirdo. What?
Wait, I’m confused. How can ELENA commit SUICIDE if we weren’t there to push her to the edge with our mockery? Doesn’t this go against every time loop movie ever made?
Beats me. I’m the pretty, dumb, mean one here.
How come you never told me that you used to be friends with ELENA?
Uh, we all attended the same school. You honestly didn’t notice?
INT. ZOEY’S BEDROOM – SAME DAY AS BEFORE
Hey, no fair!
(pauses to pout)
OK, since nothing I do makes a difference, I guess I’ll just be a TOTAL UNCENSORED BITCH.
ZOEY accomplishes this by telling her friends what she really thinks of them, so they ditch her by the side of the road. Somehow, she gets to school anyway.
INT. ENGLISH CLASS
Sisyphus. Not an STD.
Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to give me one.
No, this is a PG-13 movie, so sit back down.
ZOEY’s attempt to be a badass EVENTUALLY FAILS.
INT. ZOEY’S BEDROOM – SAME OLD, SAME OLD
ZOEY realizes that she has to MAKE AMENDS to EVERYONE SHE’S HURT, and so proceeds to do this.
INT. SAME PARTY AS BEFORE
So why are you hanging out with me again? Is it because your boyfriend’s a douche, and I’m runner-up?
No way. I’ve realized that I was a total shit to you, and that you’re my real love. Let’s make out.
They DO until they are interrupted by a familiar ruckus.
Wait, how can I just be erased from a climactic scene like that? Never mind, bye.
EXT. CREEPY, FOGGY WOODS
Go away, you bitch.
No, this is my chance to ALTER HISTORY. It’s all my fault. I’m the bitch. Pretty soon, you’ll have graduated, and this will be all just a blip. So if you just hold on…for one more day…things will go your way.
Stop quoting Wilson Phillips, and let me die in peace.
ELENA runs away into the road, but ZOEY dashes after her, and winds up DYING INSTEAD.
Well, that’s a bummer.
No, it’s cool because I’ve made up with everyone I’ve ever offended, and how many people who die can claim that?
(goes home and rents “Groundhog Day” to cheer up)