Going in Style: An Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A RITZY BANK

MICHAEL CAINE is having a meeting with a SMUG DICKWAD.

MICHAEL CAINE
Recently I received this yellow envelope in the mail. It says my HOME is in danger of BEING FORECLOSED. Where I just happen to live with my DAUGHTER and GRANDDAUGHTER JOEY KING so she can go to a good school. Plus I’ve promised her a PUPPY if she makes the honor roll. What gives?

SMUG DICKWAD
Sir, we’re just heartless a-holes who woke up and pulled a name out of the Who Shall We Screw Today Hat, and you happened to be it. Plus, we torture puppies for fun.

MICHAEL CAINE
Wow, I can see this is going to be a difficult MORAL DILEMMA for the audience to decide who to sympathize with.

SMUG DICKWAD
Well, at least you didn’t get the red envelope, which would mean you’re getting evicted tonight, ha ha..

Suddenly, a MASKED MAN bursts in and fires a gun!

MASKED MAN
OK, everybody, lie down on your back and don’t move! That means everyone, even the GOOD GUY in this film.

SMUG DICKWAD
(wets himself in terror)

MICHAEL CAINE
(real line)
They make a pill for that, you know. By the way, how refreshing it is that the senior citizens in this movie aren’t the butt of those kinds of jokes. So far.

MASKED MAN
(leans in, so that his TATTOO shows)
What did you just say?

MICHAEL CAINE
Nothing. Enjoy your haul.

INT. POLICE STATION

MICHAEL CAINE is being interviewed by a SECOND SMUG DICKWAD.
(holds out perfect sketch)
Here’s a flawless drawing of the MASKED MAN’s TATTOO. You might proceed by checking out local parlors.

SECOND SMUG DICKWAD
Old man, leave the deductive reasoning to us. Go play something quaint like shuffleboard or bocce.

MICHAEL CAINE
Jeez, I tangle with two a-holes in less than fifteen minutes? Are all the GUYS UNDER SIXTY DICKS in this movie?

SECOND SMUG DICKWAD
Thanks for your time!

INT. HOSPITAL

MORGAN FREEMAN is having a meeting with his DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
You’re going to need a KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, but it’s up to you to find a DONOR.

MORGAN FREEMAN
Way to up the stakes! Unfortunately, I only see my family by SKYPING. Since I don’t have any close friends either, this is a major problem. But I’ll work on it.

(pauses)
See, even though we’re seniors, we’re fully up on our tech skills.

INT. COMFORTABLE MIDDLE CLASSISH HOME

ALAN ARKIN is giving a music lesson to ANN-MARGRET’s COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON.

ALAN ARKIN
Stop, stop, I can’t take it anymore. You keep going, and the movie will have officially filled its wackiness quotient.

COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON
Cool, I’ve always hated the clarinet. I think I’ll be a dancer like BEYONCE instead.

ALAN ARKIN
Maybe in the sequel, but there isn’t time to develop this subplot right now.

ANN-MARGRET
(enters room)
ALAN, are you going to be busy tonight?

ALAN ARKIN
Nope, not interested. I’m just a perpetual GROUCH, plus it’s too early in the movie for me to warm up to you. Bye.

EXT. PARKING LOT FILLED WITH ANGRY MEN, INCLUDING MICHAEL CAINE and MORGAN FREEMAN.

THIRD SMUG GUY
All right, everyone. I know you’ve got questions about why you suddenly no longer have your PENSIONS.

MICHAEL CAINE
Just tell us the truth. Jeez, every male character under sixty really is a bastard.

THIRD SMUG GUY
We have nothing personally against you all. We just decided to take your pensions and put them toward a really rocking home in Tahiti. Ha ha.

MORGAN FREEMAN
The only good thing that’s happened so far is the chance that we’ve met our quota of young smug dickwads is decreasing.

INT. DINER

MICHAEL CAINE
We’re screwed! Whatever shall we do?

WAITRESS
(pauses in front of their booth)
OK, I’m assuming you all want PIE to go with your coffee as usual.

MORGAN FREEMAN
Thanks, but we can barely afford coffee at this point.

MICHAEL CAINE
Hey, I know what we can do. Let’s rob the bank responsible and take back our pensions. We’ve already established that the LOCAL COPS are bumbling doofuses, but we’re all as sharp as proverbial tacks, so why not?

ALAN ARKIN
Count me out.

MICHAEL CAINE
We know you’re just holding out for show, so I won’t press you at this point. What about you, MORGAN?

MORGAN FREEMAN
I’m in. Since I’m not going to be hanging out on a boat without a care in the world with you guys anytime soon.

WAITRESS
(returns with three plates)
Here’s some pie from the CASE of SYMOBLIC MOVIE DESSERTS anyway. It’s on the house.

EXT. A DISCOUNT GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT WHERE THE TRIO PLANS TO EXECUTE A TRIAL ROBBERY.

ALAN ARKIN
(real lines)
Why do I have to stay in the car? It’s hot in here!

MICHAEL CAINE
Quit your bitching. Now, our plan – what there is of it – is apparently divide and conquer? Or something. Let the high jinx begin!

The DUO BUMBLES AROUND STUFFING ITEMS in THEIR SHIRTS which isn’t obvious to the SECURITY CAMERAS or OTHER CUSTOMERS. Eventually, ALAN gets bored and comes inside where he is promptly SNAGGED by ANN-MARGRET.

ALAN ARKIN
Well, you certainly get around.

ANN-MARGRET
(holds up chicken package seductively)
Which do you prefer – breasts or thighs?

ALAN ARKIN
(real line)
It can go either way…

ANN-MARGRET
Is it late enough in the movie for my ETERNAL YOUTHFUL SASSINESS to melt your GRUFF, CURMUDGEONLY EXTERIOR and for us to HOOK UP?

ALAN ARKIN
Not yet. Be patient.

MEANWHILE the STORE DETECTIVE, her suspicions that it’s odd to have TWO GUYS constantly picking stuff up but not putting it back, not to mention having SUSPICIOUSLY BULGING SHIRTFRONTS triggered, is hot on the trail of MORGAN and MICHAEL. The suspense keeps mounting!

MICHAEL CAINE
(snagging a riding cart)
Get in the basket, so we can escape!

MORGAN FREEMAN
(real line)
Who do you think I am – E.T.?

(climbs in anyway)
This is not going to end well.

INT. POLICE STATION

KEENAN THOMPSON is showing the store video feed to the shamefaced TRIO.

OK, here’s a tip for you guys. Everything is monitored these days. Also, it’s really low to rob a discount grocery store. Next time, try a WHOLE FOODS.

MICHAEL, MORGAN and ALAN file out and return to the DINER of PLOT CONTRIVANCE

MICHAEL CAINE
OK, we messed up. This time let’s seek assistance from lowlifes with REAL EXPERIENCE like JOHN ORTIZ. Plus he works in a pet store, so we can kill two birds with one stone and get a PUPPY for my GRANDDAUGHTER. Everybody in?

ALAN ARKIN
Oh all right. Getting it on with ANN-MARGRET has done wonders for my mood.

MICHAEL CAINE
MORGAN?

MORGAN FREEMAN
(strokes chin sagely)
I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying.

MICHAEL CAINE
How profound. But why does that give me deja vu?

MORGAN FREEMAN
Never mind.

INT. SAME RITZY BANK AS BEFORE

Suddenly, MICHAEL, MORGAN and ALAN wearing RAT PACK MASKS burst in and fire a gun into the air!

MICHAEL CAINE
Everyone get down on the floor and don’t move a muscle!

Despite their extensive preparation, surprisingly, there are glitches! MICHAEL gets his mask lifted by an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL, plus the FIRST SMUG DICKWAD spontaneously grows a spine and starts shooting back. Luckily, no one is hurt, and the TRIO ESCAPES.

INT. POLICE STATION AGAIN

KEENAN is showing FBI AGENT MATT DILLON some very interesting footage.

KEENAN THOMPSON
(plays with video monitors of both robberies)
Yep, as you can see, it’s the EXACT SAME SHUFFLE.

MATT DILLON
OK, I’ll go interview those guys. Since I’m wearing the AMERICAN FLAG PIN of AMBIGUOUS MOTIVES, it’s not like they won’t be on their guard.

He does, but thanks to the ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL, the TRIO gets away scot free!

EXT. A WEDDING RECEPTION

MICHAEL CAINE
Well, it looks like crime does pay after all. JOEY got her PUPPY and I got to KEEP MY HOUSE.

MORGAN FREEMAN
And I got my KIDNEY. Which means we all made it to the end, which probably those who haven’t seen the original were wondering.

ALAN ARKIN
And I got to marry ANN-MARGRET. Plus, her COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON has given up the clarinet, so I won’t have to hope I go deaf.

MICHAEL CAINE
Gosh, for an ACADEMY AWARD WINNING TRIO, we sure learned some life lessons, didn’t we? Plus, we gave a bunch of our stash away to our other friends, so it’s not like we actually committed a real crime with consequences.

MORGAN FREEMAN
Very true.

END

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