INT. A RITZY BANK
MICHAEL CAINE is having a meeting with a SMUG DICKWAD.
Recently I received this yellow envelope in the mail. It says my HOME is in danger of BEING FORECLOSED. Where I just happen to live with my DAUGHTER and GRANDDAUGHTER JOEY KING so she can go to a good school. Plus I’ve promised her a PUPPY if she makes the honor roll. What gives?
Sir, we’re just heartless a-holes who woke up and pulled a name out of the Who Shall We Screw Today Hat, and you happened to be it. Plus, we torture puppies for fun.
Wow, I can see this is going to be a difficult MORAL DILEMMA for the audience to decide who to sympathize with.
Well, at least you didn’t get the red envelope, which would mean you’re getting evicted tonight, ha ha..
Suddenly, a MASKED MAN bursts in and fires a gun!
OK, everybody, lie down on your back and don’t move! That means everyone, even the GOOD GUY in this film.
(wets himself in terror)
They make a pill for that, you know. By the way, how refreshing it is that the senior citizens in this movie aren’t the butt of those kinds of jokes. So far.
(leans in, so that his TATTOO shows)
What did you just say?
Nothing. Enjoy your haul.
INT. POLICE STATION
MICHAEL CAINE is being interviewed by a SECOND SMUG DICKWAD.
(holds out perfect sketch)
Here’s a flawless drawing of the MASKED MAN’s TATTOO. You might proceed by checking out local parlors.
SECOND SMUG DICKWAD
Old man, leave the deductive reasoning to us. Go play something quaint like shuffleboard or bocce.
Jeez, I tangle with two a-holes in less than fifteen minutes? Are all the GUYS UNDER SIXTY DICKS in this movie?
SECOND SMUG DICKWAD
Thanks for your time!
MORGAN FREEMAN is having a meeting with his DOCTOR.
You’re going to need a KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, but it’s up to you to find a DONOR.
Way to up the stakes! Unfortunately, I only see my family by SKYPING. Since I don’t have any close friends either, this is a major problem. But I’ll work on it.
See, even though we’re seniors, we’re fully up on our tech skills.
INT. COMFORTABLE MIDDLE CLASSISH HOME
ALAN ARKIN is giving a music lesson to ANN-MARGRET’s COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON.
Stop, stop, I can’t take it anymore. You keep going, and the movie will have officially filled its wackiness quotient.
COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON
Cool, I’ve always hated the clarinet. I think I’ll be a dancer like BEYONCE instead.
Maybe in the sequel, but there isn’t time to develop this subplot right now.
ALAN, are you going to be busy tonight?
Nope, not interested. I’m just a perpetual GROUCH, plus it’s too early in the movie for me to warm up to you. Bye.
EXT. PARKING LOT FILLED WITH ANGRY MEN, INCLUDING MICHAEL CAINE and MORGAN FREEMAN.
THIRD SMUG GUY
All right, everyone. I know you’ve got questions about why you suddenly no longer have your PENSIONS.
Just tell us the truth. Jeez, every male character under sixty really is a bastard.
THIRD SMUG GUY
We have nothing personally against you all. We just decided to take your pensions and put them toward a really rocking home in Tahiti. Ha ha.
The only good thing that’s happened so far is the chance that we’ve met our quota of young smug dickwads is decreasing.
We’re screwed! Whatever shall we do?
(pauses in front of their booth)
OK, I’m assuming you all want PIE to go with your coffee as usual.
Thanks, but we can barely afford coffee at this point.
Hey, I know what we can do. Let’s rob the bank responsible and take back our pensions. We’ve already established that the LOCAL COPS are bumbling doofuses, but we’re all as sharp as proverbial tacks, so why not?
Count me out.
We know you’re just holding out for show, so I won’t press you at this point. What about you, MORGAN?
I’m in. Since I’m not going to be hanging out on a boat without a care in the world with you guys anytime soon.
(returns with three plates)
Here’s some pie from the CASE of SYMOBLIC MOVIE DESSERTS anyway. It’s on the house.
EXT. A DISCOUNT GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT WHERE THE TRIO PLANS TO EXECUTE A TRIAL ROBBERY.
Why do I have to stay in the car? It’s hot in here!
Quit your bitching. Now, our plan – what there is of it – is apparently divide and conquer? Or something. Let the high jinx begin!
The DUO BUMBLES AROUND STUFFING ITEMS in THEIR SHIRTS which isn’t obvious to the SECURITY CAMERAS or OTHER CUSTOMERS. Eventually, ALAN gets bored and comes inside where he is promptly SNAGGED by ANN-MARGRET.
Well, you certainly get around.
(holds up chicken package seductively)
Which do you prefer – breasts or thighs?
It can go either way…
Is it late enough in the movie for my ETERNAL YOUTHFUL SASSINESS to melt your GRUFF, CURMUDGEONLY EXTERIOR and for us to HOOK UP?
Not yet. Be patient.
MEANWHILE the STORE DETECTIVE, her suspicions that it’s odd to have TWO GUYS constantly picking stuff up but not putting it back, not to mention having SUSPICIOUSLY BULGING SHIRTFRONTS triggered, is hot on the trail of MORGAN and MICHAEL. The suspense keeps mounting!
(snagging a riding cart)
Get in the basket, so we can escape!
Who do you think I am – E.T.?
(climbs in anyway)
This is not going to end well.
INT. POLICE STATION
KEENAN THOMPSON is showing the store video feed to the shamefaced TRIO.
OK, here’s a tip for you guys. Everything is monitored these days. Also, it’s really low to rob a discount grocery store. Next time, try a WHOLE FOODS.
MICHAEL, MORGAN and ALAN file out and return to the DINER of PLOT CONTRIVANCE
OK, we messed up. This time let’s seek assistance from lowlifes with REAL EXPERIENCE like JOHN ORTIZ. Plus he works in a pet store, so we can kill two birds with one stone and get a PUPPY for my GRANDDAUGHTER. Everybody in?
Oh all right. Getting it on with ANN-MARGRET has done wonders for my mood.
(strokes chin sagely)
I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying.
How profound. But why does that give me deja vu?
INT. SAME RITZY BANK AS BEFORE
Suddenly, MICHAEL, MORGAN and ALAN wearing RAT PACK MASKS burst in and fire a gun into the air!
Everyone get down on the floor and don’t move a muscle!
Despite their extensive preparation, surprisingly, there are glitches! MICHAEL gets his mask lifted by an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL, plus the FIRST SMUG DICKWAD spontaneously grows a spine and starts shooting back. Luckily, no one is hurt, and the TRIO ESCAPES.
INT. POLICE STATION AGAIN
KEENAN is showing FBI AGENT MATT DILLON some very interesting footage.
(plays with video monitors of both robberies)
Yep, as you can see, it’s the EXACT SAME SHUFFLE.
OK, I’ll go interview those guys. Since I’m wearing the AMERICAN FLAG PIN of AMBIGUOUS MOTIVES, it’s not like they won’t be on their guard.
He does, but thanks to the ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL, the TRIO gets away scot free!
EXT. A WEDDING RECEPTION
Well, it looks like crime does pay after all. JOEY got her PUPPY and I got to KEEP MY HOUSE.
And I got my KIDNEY. Which means we all made it to the end, which probably those who haven’t seen the original were wondering.
And I got to marry ANN-MARGRET. Plus, her COMICALLY UNTALENTED GRANDSON has given up the clarinet, so I won’t have to hope I go deaf.
Gosh, for an ACADEMY AWARD WINNING TRIO, we sure learned some life lessons, didn’t we? Plus, we gave a bunch of our stash away to our other friends, so it’s not like we actually committed a real crime with consequences.