EXT. MATTHEW BRODERICK’s UBER-COOL TEEN BOY BEDROOM
MATTHEW’s DOTING MOM
(peers at mound under covers from which moans are emitting that could conceivably be MATTHEW’s)
Honey? Honey? How do you feel?
Gee whiz, Ma, kind of under the weather. Maybe I’d better take a day off?
MATTHEW’s DOTING MOM
Good idea. Stay here and don’t move a muscle except to change the TV channel or lift a mug of cocoa.
MATTHEW’s DOTING DAD
Son, you can never be too careful with these bugs which only seem to occur when it’s gorgeous out. Why not take two or three?
MATTHEW’s PERPETUALLY PISSED OFF SISTER JENNIFER GREY
Hey, no fair! You make me go to school when I’ve got a fever of a hundred and three.
MATTHEW’s DOTING DAD
That’s because MATTHEW is our priceless treasure, whereas we aren’t even sure you belong to us. Besides we bought you a car, so what could you possibly have to complain about? Now scram.
JENNIFER pouts off, while MATTHEW’S MOM and DAD leave for work.
(breaks fourth wall for first – but not last! – time)
My worst performance ever – and they bought it!
IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG AUDIENCE
Cool! He’s talking right to us!
You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
MATTHEW gets up and does various things around the house, all the while talking to the camera and totally bonding with the AUDIENCE.
My sister got a car, but I got a computer. This means I have to bum rides off my friend, ALAN RUCK, who gets sick all the time, but the hypochondriac, I-can’t-tell-my-dad-he’s-a-douche kind. Trust me, you’ll be hearing a lot more about ALAN’s DAD throughout the movie. But we’re all going on a cool day trip to Chicago – I mean MOVIE CHICAGO which is really TORONTO – to de-repress ALAN.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE of REPRESSED ANALNESS
JEFFREY JONES is twirling his mustache and talking to his SECRETARY EDIE McCLURG.
So how many days has MATTHEW missed this year?
(pulls several pencils from her bouffant ‘do, scratches scalp, checks computer)
I think it’s sixteen – no, eight – no, two – see he’s hardly missed any days.
I am going to catch that little turd red-handed. (real line) I did not achieve this position in life by letting some snot nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.
JEFFREY, if you want my advice, stepping on a rake with bare feet would be less painful and more productive than attempting to make an example out of MATTHEW.
(continues to rant about maintaining his authority…
(totally ignores EDIE’s words of wisdom…
(gets AUDIENCE excited for the showdowns to come)
EXT. THE RUCK FAMILY GARAGE OVERLOOKING A BLUFF FEATURING ONE VERY COOL RED FERRARI
OK, I’ve made a call to JEFFREY impersonating your girlfriend, MIA SARA’s DAD, and convinced him that MIA’s grandmother’s died, and she needs to be outside on the school steps to be picked up before we head off to Movie Chicago? Can we at least take my car even though it’s a junker? Please? Pretty please with whipped cream and nuts?
No, you see, when we pick up MIA, JEFFREY won’t believe MIA’s DAD drives a cheap piece of shit like your car.
(pouts at this unforgivable insult, as if he probably doesn’t hear much worse from his evil dad every day)
Well then, shall we call a cab?
Nope. We’re taking the FERARRI…
…which my dad loves way more than me and will literally kill me when he finds we touched it?
That’s the one!
EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT
JEFFREY is trying to be compassionate to MIA which is kind of like watching a giraffe put on a tutu, but hey, it’s the thought that counts!
You know, I had a grandmother…Two actually.
(classily refraining from eye rolls)
You are a beautiful man, Mr. Rooney. And I am a complete suckup who is totally psyched that my boyfriend and his repressed best friend are heading this way to rescue me.
A totally disguised MATTHEW gets out and waves MIA over.
Do you have a kiss for Daddy?
THEY KISS – FRENCHILY – while JEFFREY stews. Then they get in the car and zoom off.
(choking on their literal dust)
Curses! Foiled again.
(skulking on the sidelines)
That little shit! He gets away with everything. I think I’ll leave, too, so there!
While MATTHEW, ALAN and MIA head into the Big City to visit such amazing attractions as a STOCK EXCHANGE, a BASEBALL GAME and a MUSEUM with PRICELESS ART WORK, JENNIFER goes home, and JEFFREY heads out to trap MATTHEW for a round of wacky high jinks, i.e. huge dose of humiliation.
EXT. MATTHEW’s HOME
Ha! I’ve got him now. Because the one thing, MATTHEW is – wait for it – stupid.
I’m sorry. I can’t come to the door right now. I’m afraid that…
(proving for the umpteenth time that he himself is the Mayor of Simpleton)
MATTHEW, get your ass down here, right this minute.
I’m sorry. I can’t come…
I’m coming in…
(who has returned and doesn’t recognize JEFFREY)
I will jump start the high jinks by jumping to conclusions/doing the sensible thing and phoning the police.
JEFFREY then gets attacked by twin Dobermans and loses his SHOE, WALLET and what’s left of his minuscule DIGNITY. Meanwhile JENNIFER gets hauled off to the police station because they think she is pranking them. Plus MATTHEW’s WORSHIPFUL PEERS send a singing porno telegram to cheer POOR SICK MATTHEW up. (And apparently, their family doesn’t have security cameras to record any of this.)
EXT. DOWTOWN MOVIE CHICAGO – A BIG PARADE is PREPARING TO COMMENCE
ALAN and MIA are walking down the street, but Matthew is nowhere in sight. Uh oh!
MATTHEW ditched us. He probably went back to school.
Why does everyone in this movie except MATTHEW have an IQ of…
(from parade float, real line)
This is for my friend, ALAN, who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today…ALAN RUCK, this one’s for you!
(launches into “TWIST AND SHOUT”. Everyone goes nuts. A group of AFRICAN-AMERICANS boogie rhythmically on some steps. An IMPOSSIBLY ADORABLE TODDLER gets funky in her stroller. MATTHEW’s DAD glances out the window but misses seeing his SON. The FLOAT GIRLS practically assault MATTHEW as he camps it up. And ALAN cheers up – at least MARGINALLY.)
EXT. POLICE STATION – BACK in BORING-SUBURBVILLE
CHARLIE SHEEN is sitting next to JENNIFER, ready to dispense some on-the-fly therapeutic advice.
CHARLIE, I don’t care that you’re wearing the LEATHER JACKET of IMPOSSIBLY HUNKY JUVENILE DELINQUENTNESS. Stay away from me, I’m in enough trouble.
Well, I’m at the start of my acting career, but let me help you anyway. Your main problem is that you’re jealous because everyone worships MATTHEW and ignores you. But I see through your tough exterior and know that you’re aching for affection.
And your remedy is?
Let’s make out.
They do, but are shortly interrupted by JENNIFER’s DISPLEASED MOM. Uh oh!
EXT. THE RUCK GARAGE
Shit, the miles aren’t coming off the car! You promised they would. I’m dead.
(displaying selflessness for the first time in the movie)
ALAN, don’t worry. When your father comes home, I’ll tell him it’s my fault. I’ll take the heat.
(suddenly developing cojones for the first time in the movie)
No, that’s all right. I gotta take a stand.
Yes! You rock. You may be even cooler than MATTHEW.
But in his NEWFOUND RESOLVE, ALAN kicks the car too hard, and it sails through the garage window, where it will become covered in bird shit and other ravine debris shortly, and perhaps ALAN’s carcass will join it after DAD sees the mess, too. Oops!
Er…well, too late to back down now. That would kind of make my whole character arc beside the point. So I’ll see you guys later.
MATTHEW realizes that his parents are about to come home, and so races to beat the clock, which he almost does – but then runs smack into JEFFREY. Oops. But then JENNIFER saves the day!
JEFFREY, I have your keys and your wallet. You’re in no position to be lording it over my brother. So why don’t you take your bedraggled self off. Maybe there’s a school bus you can board to increase your humiliation factor somewhere.
HE does. And MATTHEW makes it back into bed safely. And lives to break the fourth wall another day.