Warning: These contain spoilers.
1. It’s always best to double check before you spring a hospital patient whose face is obscured by bandages in case it’s not actually your brother.
2. White Castle is a great place to refuel and clog up your arteries before you destroy your life even further.
3. A teenager whose boyfriend is a dealer may not be fazed by a total stranger showing up at her grandmother’s apartment in the middle of the night, even when you start unexpectedly making out with her.
4. If you’re staying at a reclusive couple’s home and sense evil, you should trust your instincts and run for your life.
5. Even an innocent looking scarecrow stored in a barn can come alive and thwart your plans for escape when you least expect it.
6. Throwing a demon-possessed doll down a cistern is just going to make it angrier, so you might want to destroy it more directly.
7. Evil clowns are actually methodical in when they decide to kidnap and murder kids. If you suspect one may be terrorizing your small town, look for a pattern.
8. If you find the prospect of exploring a sewer tunnel scary and disgusting, remember how the girl who disappeared into there without returning feels.
9. Even mean girls say something helpful once in awhile, such as that your mom may be giving your placebo meds for your “illnesses.”
10. Encouraging your moody older daughter to submit a play to a contest works better than any antidepressant for cheering her up.
11. If you lecture a twentysomething on immaturity, it is probably best not to negate that by then going out and making an idiot of yourself while drunk.
12. There’s a limit to how many men you can invite to stay in your house at once before a fistfight breaks out.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle
13. If you’re dangling upside down during a car chase, it’s a good idea to use the liquor bottle from the mini-bar to assault the bad guy after you.
14. If your friend is hanging out at your home looking after your dog when you’re not there, you should probably lock your top secret spy room.
15. Never underestimate the power of Sir Elton John to help you defeat the bad guys when you’re in a tight spot.
Battle of the Sexes
16. If your number one rival is deeply conflicted over her secret lesbian affair, it’s a huge bonus for your own game.
17. If you want someone to agree to play you in an exhibition tennis match, it’s best not to interrupt their sleep in the middle of the night, especially when they’ve never told you their hotel room phone number or even their specific hotel.
18. It’s better to remove a jacket your sponsor gave you during a big match rather than risk passing out from heat stroke (even if men allegedly have more stamina than women).
19. You may be conflicted about whether or not you’re a hero for surviving a terrorist attack, but trust me, no one else will be.
20. Even if you’re an amputee in a wheelchair, it’s still possible to rile your girlfriend up enough so that she literally walks away and doesn’t return.
21. Being revealed as a public hero is a huge bonus when you get pulled over for driving drunk, as long as you’re willing to provide an autograph in return for not being charged.
22. If you’re going to case a crime scene near water, always wear a secondhand pair of shoes if not knee-high waterproof boots.
23. Claiming you couldn’t scream during an abduction because you were gagged is a defense that will fall apart in court if someone decides to demonstrate.
24. If your husband is potentially being threatened and grabs a knife before getting the door, it’s always good to grab a backup weapon yourself just in case.
Happy Death Day
25. Asking for Tylenol before you depart for the day is a perfectly valid thing to do to a guy you presumably hooked up with and plan never to see again.
26. When trapped in a time loop, reliving each day makes you weaker, but you still retain the ability to smash glass with your scantily clad arm and not hemorrhage to death on the spot.
27. The benefits of belonging to a fat-shaming sorority include being able to successfully conceal yourself behind a concrete pillar when you’re being chased by a psycho-killer in a parking garage.
28. Choosing a night there is a full-fledged race riot going on next door is a good cover if you want to commit murder.
29. If you need a getaway vehicle, your child’s bike will serve in a pinch, although you might look rather silly riding it.
30. If it’s a choice between death or traumatizing your nephew further by asking him to remove the weapon embedded in your back, it’s best to say goodbye calmly and go into another room to expire.
31. It’s good to be the king, or at least the Senate leader for it may all be downhill from there in terms of other politicians’ respect.
32. Sometimes it helps to sincerely like yourself before trying to get other people to like you.
33. A changing world may one day make it inevitable that you must ultimately call out your longtime mentor for his prejudiced views.
Murder on the Orient Express
34. If you want to avoid having your profession pinpointed by a stranger sitting next to you, it’s a good idea to make sure there are no telltale stains on your clothes or hands.
35. Eyeglasses, a pompous attitude and affected racism will not be enough to deter a truly astute detective who will eventually see through your “professor” disguise.
36. “Holding one’s feet to the fire,” can be used literally to unearth a murder confession, if you insist that all train passengers disembark and huddle before you in snow-covered nowhere while you announce your hypothesis.