2015-16 Winter Movie Lessons

1. If your plumber boyfriend leaves a job with sewage dripping in order to arrive on a date on time, it’s a sign that he’s crazy about you. (Brooklyn)

2. If you’re invited to your Italian American boyfriend’s home for dinner, you should definitely practice eating pasta without embarrassing yourself. (Brooklyn)

3. If you visit your mother and neglect to tell her that you’ve gotten married and spend your time hanging around another nice eligible bachelor, she won’t be thrilled when you finally confess your big secret under threat of being blackmailed by your spiteful ex-boss. (Brooklyn)

4. Even crusaders for the truth don’t always recognize a big story when it first comes to their notice. (Spotlight)

5. Giving an editor a copy of the Catechism in order to make him an ally will likely backfire. (Spotlight)

6. Evil may literally be next door. (Spotlight)

7. The human head can only be injured so many times before long-term damage sets in. (Concussion)

8. If your roommate is a dedicated neurologist, he may bring his work home with him – including brains in jar. (Concussion)

9. You do not want to make an enemy of the National Football League. (Concussion)

10. Sometimes no one really wants to hear “the truth.” (Concussion and Spotlight)

11. Your aging parents may actually want you to find a life of your own and spend less time worrying about them. (Sisters)

12. A house party for middle-age people needs major illegal drugs in order for everyone to loosen up. (Sisters)

13. Childhood mementos should be tided away if you plan on getting lucky in your former bedroom. (Sisters)

14. If you’re not making any kind of impression in your sadomasochistic maneuvers, it might be because your victim’s recently gotten butt implants. (Fifty Shades of Black)

15. Your boyfriend may be more wiling to tell you how he got into BDSM before he admits he’s a Republican. (Fifty Shades of Black)

16. Even aiming for the easiest seeming parody target can produce its share of misses. (Fifty Shades of Black)

17. If you are going through a gender identity crisis, and you have the world’s most understanding wife, you will find you still need to seek out another confidant. (The Danish Girl)

18. Posing as a woman to help your wife’s artistic career take off can be the key to realizing you were really meant to be female. (The Danish Girl)

19. Scarfs can be as effective as feathers (“Forrest Gump” anyone?) as major symbolism. (The Danish Girl)

20. Communists in the movie business are generally genial guys who will share their pearls of wisdom over tea after kidnapping you. (Hail, Caesar!)

21. If your date orders pasta without sauce, he may be wiling to demonstrate lasso tricks with it to entertain you. Particularly, if he’s only on the date in order to change his image. (Hail, Caesar!)

22. Sometimes when you’re not looking, some problems solve themselves. (Hail, Caesar!)

23. It’s not a good idea to fly an airplane, no matter how cool, right before your Olympic track trials. (Race)

24. If you’re a college athlete who needs to send money home regularly, get a job as a page. You won’t have to do a thing. (Race)

25. Nazi officials may refuse to shake your hand after you win a gold medal, but they will give you a nice plant as a consolation prize. (Race)

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Movie Review: Hail, Caesar!

(With all the show tunes in the movie, I left feeling poetical.)

Warning: The following may contain spoilers.

“Hail Caesar!” proudly flaunts its exclamation point,
Though it may seem way too cute
In the tradition of comedies like “Airplane!”
And “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.”

In it, Josh Brolin plays a fifties Hollywood exec,
A good Catholic by the name of Eddie Mannix.
However, by the time his day’s half through,
He’ll be ready to chug a bottle of Xanax.

You see, George Clooney, his lead actor is missing
And boy, does that make those in the film involved pissed
But as it turns out, they need not worry,
For George is squirreled away in a den of amiable Communists.

Because his latest film is Biblical in scope,
Josh meets with a rabbi, a prelate and a priest
To split hairs about the origin of Our Father
Of all his issues today, this will be the least

Meanwhile, comely mermaid, Scarlett Johansson, is irked,
As she’s in the family way
But without a ring on her finger,
She – and Josh – are not having a good day.

Alden Ehrenreich, who excels at playing cowboys,
Finds himself on the set of a period piece, suddenly feeling blue
With ultra-fussy director, Ralph Fiennes, wringing his hands
Every time he flubs a cue.

Channing Tatum, on the other hand,
Is having a gay old time
Tap dancing up a storm as a just conscripted Marine
With other young men in their prime.

But Josh finds himself pestered by twin reporters
Played amusingly by Tilda Swinton
Planning to spill the beans about a secret of George’s
In order to help her career or maybe just for fun.

However, he can’t stop to tarry too long
For he’s received a note demanding George’s ransom
From “The future,” but luckily Alden comes to his aid,
Proving he’s more than just handsome.

But before that, Alden has a date that night
Arranged with an actress with cheeks like peaches
They go to a premiere, then a hip restaurant
Where they sing “Glory of Love,” from “Beaches.”

After that, it’s time for Alden to track down George
Which luckily, he can achieve,
Prying George away from his newfound buddies, though
Is more difficult, as it makes George peeved.

One problem of Josh’s however resolves itself
When he introduces Scarlett to a shady but awed Jonah Hill
They wind up hitting it off
Though Josh is in the doghouse with his wife, Alison Pill.

He’s being tempted by a cushy job offer
Much less stressful than this one, no joking,
With all of this, he’s definitely picked
The wrong week to quit smoking

In the end, Josh manages to stave off Tilda
Then slaps into George a little more sense
Which inspires him to new heights of acting
Though he remains pretty much dense.

After all this, Josh takes a break
And heads for Confession
Where ultimately, he decides,
That he already is in the right profession.