FADE IN:
INT: FANCY SCHMANCY NEW YORK RESTAURANT
BRIE LARSON is exchanging WITTY DINNER TABLE BANTER with her fiancé, MAX GREENFIELD and his clients.
BRIE LARSON
My dad, WOODY HARRELSON, and mom, NAOMI WATTS just got CUTEST CRASH PAD on the UPPER EAST SIDE of POSH NORMALCY.
MAX GREENFIELD
BRIE’s DAD is developing a formula for GREEN-FRIENDLY COAL BURNING, isn’t that right?
BRIE LARSON
Absolutely! And NAOMI is a charmingly offbeat ARTIST. Oh, by the way, I want to box up my LEFTOVERS, please. And my seatmate’s. And the guy’s over there who just left without finishing.
SERVER
Your pets must be in for quite a treat!
BRIE LARSON
Er…no.
BRIE leaves the restaurant and hails a cab. On her way home, she sees an INTOXICATED, HOMELESS GUY who turns out to be her dad but pretends not to. She then goes home and calls her older sister, SARAH SNOOK.
BRIE LARSON
Dad and Mom are penniless and out of control. Whatever shall we do?
SARAH SNOOK
This is news? They’ve been trainwrecks since we were born.
BRIE LARSON
Of course not, I just had to emphasize to the audience how conflicted I am. Ciao.
INT: A HOSPITAL
In the FIRST of MANY FLASHBACKS, YOUNG BRIE LARSON is being INTERVIEWED by a SOCIAL WORKER and a DOCTOR.
SOCIAL WORKER
So, you say you got THIRD DEGREE BURNS on your TORSO from COOKING by YOURSELF? And you’re what, seven?
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
Three in the book, but around seven here. But it’s no biggie – I cook all the time! On an actual stove! Unsupervised ’cause my mom gets so absorbed in PAINTING that she FORGETS to FEED ME.
DOCTOR
What’s that noise?
WOODY comes whooping into the room with YOUNG BRIE’s YOUNG SISTER and BROTHER, who is wearing a BLOODY HEAD BANDAGE.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
(without irony)
Look, DADDY – they gave me actual food – Mystery meat and red jello – yummy!
WOODY HARRELSON
(actually tries some)
Not bad. Hey, YOUNG BRIE, did you know DR. BOURGEOIS McTWITFACE is going to use our hard-earned money to gas up his Mercedes?
DOCTOR
SIR, in my opinion, you aren’t even qualified to rear a CHIA-PET. Plus, you appear to spend more on your shirts than your kids.
WOODY HARRELSON
(lunges at him)
DOCTOR
FIRST, it’s a violation of the HIPPOCRATIC OATH to turn away a patient in need. Second, oh never mind, I know already I’m not going to win this one.
LATER ON, WOODY and HIS KIDS sneak back into the hospital to CREATE A DIVERSION in order to SPRING YOUNG BRIE. It works! They then join HEAVILY PREGNANT NAOMI in the Auto of Free-Spiritedness, and they head out into the desert for adventure.
EXT. DESERT WILDERNESS by the FIRESIDE
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
DADDY, MOMMY’s off doing hippie stuff, and I’m scared. Can you possibly try to act like a REAL DAD for once? Give me a hug, read me a bedtime story?
WOODY HARRELSON
I’ll try. See the FIRE? It’s a METAPHOR for ADVENTURE. It’s one of the FILM’s THREE METAPHORS. Understand?
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
No. Plus I thought I heard something scary in the tumbleweed over there.
WOODY HARRELSON
(real response)
Me too! Did it have big ears and pointy teeth? I know just who you mean! He scares me, too.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
Gee, DADDY, you’re about as comforting as an air-conditioner on a sub-zero night.
WOODY HARRELSON
The BOOGEYMAN is another metaphor. He represents the FEARS WE CAN’T FACE.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
Huh? I thought maybe it was a coyote. Thanks, Dad.
WOODY HARRELSON
By the way, you’re beautiful regardless of any scarring from the burns. See even though most of the time, I am a huge dick, occasionally I can put on my “Act like a good dad” hat.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
This is going to be one grim movie.
EXT: ABANDONED WAREHOUSY BUILDING in the PRESENT
WOODY HARRELSON
Howdy, BRIE and this guy you’re inexplicably fond of. C’mon on in and have a drink.
They join NAOMI, JOSH CARAS (ADULT BRIE’s BROTHER), SARAH SNOOK and BRIGETTE LUNDY-PAINE (ADULT BRIE’s YOUNGER SISTER), plus a few other SKETCHY SOULS inside.
BRIE LARSON
Gee, MOM, your painting is awesome. It reminds me of the one you did while we were mixing butter and sugar together as little kids because we were literally out of anything else.
JOSH CARAS
It reminds me of the time when GRANDMA MOLESTED ME. Good times.
SARAH SNOOK
Boy, does adversity make one strong or what!
BRIE LARSON
MOM, can I talk to you privately for a minute? I’m going to get engaged to MAX, but I don’t want to tell DADDY.
NAOMI WATTS
Honey, that’s just fine. He seems like a nice young man.
BRIE LARSON
Who are you, and what the heck have you done with my REAL MOTHER?
WOODY HARRELSON
(from other room)
Hey, kids, me and MAX are gonna have an arm-wrestling contest. Come on and watch!
BRIE LARSON
Oh no. No, no, no…You’re drunk, by the way. Both of you.
WOODY HARRELSON
All the better for some more ugly family truths to come out then.
WOODY and MAX actually do this, to much whooping from the sidelines, including BRIE who yells, “Kill him, kill him,” at her HUSBAND. Finally, Max WINS.
LATER ON – SHARED APARTMENT OF FEIGNED NORMALCY
MAX GREENFIELD
Uh, honey? You seemed a little out of control tonight. I thought I even saw a strand of hair descend from your BUN of REPRESSDNESS.
BRIE LARSON
I’m fine. By the way, MOM gave us her blessing.
MAX GREENFIELD
Okay then. But you know, maybe…therapy?
BRIE LARSON
I’m FINE!
EXT. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL – FLASHBACK
YOUNG BRIE and FAMILY are poolside. They appear to be the ONLY WHITE FOLKS in the VICINITY, but everyone ignores them and goes on splashing.
NAOMI WATTS
This is what my life has become? I’m reduced to showering at a public pool.
WOODY HARRELSON
You knew when you met me that I was a free spirit. What did you expect?
(raises voice)
BRIE, honey, go on and SWIM already!
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
I can’t, DADDY. Why did you bring us to a pool without any kind of shallow end or kiddie option? Have you not ever heard of water wings?
WOODY HARRELSON
(picks her up and hurls her into the water)
That’s the THIRD METAPHOR right there!
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
(once she’s finished coughing up water and recovered her breath)
DADDY, you’re INSANE.
A CONSPICUOUSLY WHITE GUY approaches.
SIR, might I suggest that you find a more humane way to teach your daughter about metaphors. Ones that won’t result in her going back to the emergency room or lifelong therapy as an adult as a result.
WOODY HARRELSON
Damn you, Nosy McRacist. Mind your own business.
CONSPICUOUSLY WHITE GUY
I’m the manager, and you’re totally drunk.
WOODY HARRELSON
(lunges at him)
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
DADDY, at this point your STUBBORN ECCENTRICITY is looking a lot more like OUTRIGHT ABUSIVENESS. Do you really have to put everyone you disagree with in a headlock? And just where do you get the money for all this booze anyway?
WOODY HARRELSON
(real line)
You can’t spend your life clinging to the side of the pool.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
Then teach me to swim like a normal dad would. Problem solved.
INT. ENGAGEMENT PARTY at the APARTMENT of GETTING MORE STRAINED by the MINUTE NORMALCY – PRESENT.
NAOMI and WOODY have shown up to crash BRIE’s and MAX’s CELEBRATION.
NAOMI WATTS
So I thought this would be a cool time to tell you that we own a MILLION DOLLAR PROPERTY, BRIE. That won’t upset your hard-won equilibrium or anything now, will it?
BRIE LARSON
(real reaction)
?!
NAOMI WATTS
Also, WOODY and I were thinking maybe we could borrow some money off MAX. For the sake of PLOT PURPOSES.
BRIE LARSON
(real reaction)
?!
WOODY HARRELSON
So how about it?
BRIE freaks out and orders WOODY and NAOMI to leave. They are mystified at this, but eventually DO.
INT. RAMSHACKLE HOUSE in BOONDOCKS – ANOTHER FLASHBACK
YOUNG BRIE LARSON to SIBLINGS
(trying to ignore the sound of WOODY and NAOMI fighting)
Come on, let’s go play outside.
They try, but then they see NAOMI dangling from the window, which puts a crimp into their playtime. They all rush upstairs to INTERVENE.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
MOM, DAD? what’s going on?
WOODY HARRELSON
(real reaction, starts laughing)
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
Excuse me?
NAOMI WATTS
(joins in)
Oh wow, that was hilarious. I saw my life flash before my eyes, which I’ve apparently always wanted to do. Also being called crude terms for an adult woman’s anatomy just makes me want to get closer to you.
WOODY HARRELSON
Kids, there’s absolutely nothing to see here – go out and play.
YOUNG BRIE LARSON
I guess if I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.
Later, YOUNG BRIE gathers her SIBLINGS and they VOW to STICK TOGETHER, STUDY HARD at SCHOOL, and ESCAPE as soon as they are legal, which they eventually do.
INT. FANCY SCHMANCY RESTAURANT (Possibly the same as before, but who knows?) – PRESENT
ADULT BRIE is exchanging WITTY DINNER TABLE BANTER with her fiancé, MAX GREENFIELD and his clients.
MAX GREENFIELD
…BRIE’s DAD is developing a formula for GREEN-FRIENDLY COAL BURNING, isn’t that right?
BRIE LARSON
No, he’s actually DYING from ALCOHOLISM in an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE, my MOM just accepts us because she WANTS to BORROW MONEY, and I’m not even sure I want to be engaged to you anymore.
MAX GREENFIELD
Don’t hold back, tell us how you really feel, BRIE. At least, this didn’t happen at the ALTAR.
BRIE LARSON
Now, I must go and see WOODY who I have been refusing to talk to since our disastrous dinner party, and have a POIGNANT EXCHANGE BEFORE HE CROAKS.
MAX GREENFIELD
Er, are we still ON for the WEDDING? Or should I start making cancellations?
BRIE LARSON
I don’t know, and I’m not sure the filmmakers do either. In any event, we don’t get a wedding scene. Bye.
INT. PRESUMABLY MUCH LATER – ADULT BRIE’S THANKSGIVING DINNER TABLE
BRIE welcomes NAOMI, SARAH, JOSH and BRIGETTE to come in to her HOME of HARD WON INDEPENDENCE and sit down.
BRIE LARSON
Gosh, it’s great to all be here together. Except for WOODY, but hey, he was quite a character.
JOSH CARAS
(real line)
He had his moments.
SARAH SNOOK
Like that time when he “gave” us STARS in the NIGHT SKY rather than BORING OLD STORE-BOUGHT TOYS. My character is what it is today because of him!
BRIGETTE LUNDY-PAINE
By the way, BRIE, what happened to your husband?
BRIE LARSON
I think we DIVORCED. Or something. Who cares? He was boring and bourgeois.
NAOMI WATTS
And the cycle is complete.
END
Popcorn on My Knee: Movie Reviews and Reminiscences 