Movie Review: The House

Often movie characters, as sympathetic as the script tries to make them, experience plights that the average moviegoer can’t imagine having to deal with. Luckily, “The House,” starring Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler as devoted parents who face the prospect of being really proud of their only daughter (Ryan Simpkins) but not having the expected money to send her to her dream college avoids that – though only briefly. Here are some of the options middle-class suburbanites, like the characters, had in that case twenty years ago when I went to school.

a) Beating the bushes for even more scholarships/financial aid.

b) Working part time while taking classes and transferring after a year if things go well.

c) Selling your organs on the black market.

Unfortunately, the families I knew did not happen to be characters in a Hollywood movie, so we bypassed option d) Start a casino in your mutual, newly-single friend’s house, which is what Will and Amy choose after several unsuccessful attempts to gain the money legally. Like the recent “Going In Style,” the movie loads the deck by having the main characters turn to crime only after playing by the rules for all of their life. Clearly, the pair adores their daughter, who is a genuinely good kid, plus they are both alums, so the option of having her go elsewhere really isn’t fair. In addition, their entire town has agreed to give Ryan the money – so when smarmy town council head (Nick Kroll) decides to rescind the offer and spend the money on a community pool, it’s a slap in the face. So when their mutual friend (Jason Mantzoukas) offers his house for a do-it-yourself casino, Will and Amy agree.

Soon they find themselves engaged in a series of deceptions – including lying to their daughter – in order to arrange the whole thing. At least getting their neighbors to come is a breeze, they’re more than eager – leaving Nick and his already-married love interest (Allison Tolman) in the dark. But soon, Will and Tina start to flirt with more danger – involving “fight nights,” axes, angry patrons looking for revenge, and regular shakedowns of those who don’t pay up fast enough, as they discover that damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Kidnapping, embezzlement and a car accident are added to the mix, too. Eventually, Ryan stumbles upon their secret, insists on helping them pull off an alternate heist in order to secure the money at last. Rob Huebel plays the town cop, who starts off helping Nick but then has a change of heart, making for some amusing scenes. However, most of them don’t manage to make it into more than chuckle-worthy territory if that. The main thing the movie has going for it is that it’s short – and at least, it whips through the obstacles in record time, so that the lack of humor isn’t as dire as it might have been otherwise. If you want to avoid the hordes of kids at “Despicable Me 3,” it’s a decent option.

A Look Back: Blades of Glory

“Blades of Glory,” starring Jon Heder and Will Ferrell as a mismatched competitive figure skating duo, faithfully follows the template of your typical Hollywood sports movie, though it also takes a few moments to wink at it. The movie also follows the template of the typical Will Ferrell sports movie – in which a protagonist whose brain cells are far exceeded by ego strength goes from callowness to hard-won maturity – which, of course, is the real prize, not the blue ribbon or first place he ends up with. In various movies, Will has been redeemed by the power of coaching Little League or race-car driving, but in “Blades of Glory,” it is skating that achieves this for him and Jon. Here’s how:

1. Thou shalt suffer adversity as a child, even if just in flashbacks.

Will’s character is quasi-homeless and a former street punk, whereas Jon is an orphan raised by a rich businessman, who disowns him after he gets barred from the sport as an adult.

2. Thou shalt begin the movie as a cocky no-nothing of the ways of real life, although successful in their field.

Both Will and Jon, although successful skaters, are basically insecure little boys in grown men’s bodies, as shown because they can’t be in the same vicinity for very long without erupting into a fight. This has consequences when they disrupt an awards ceremony and are banned from competition.

3. Thou shalt seek an unconventional mentor to aid them on their way in their quest.

Here, it’s Jon’s former coach, Craig T. Nelson (who actually starred in a sitcom called “Coach”), who reluctantly takes the squabbling duo on. He fits the mold nicely.

4. Thou shalt face prejudice of some sort on their way in their quest.

Here it’s homophobia, as Jon and Will find a loophole that lets them compete in pairs together. Various fans and figures in the skating world aren’t shy about voicing their horror and disbelief.

5. Thou shalt go up against a truly vile main competitor.

In this case, it’s an incestuous pair of siblings, played with gusto by Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, who are not pleased at having to share the media spotlight – much less with two “freaks.” They’re also really mean to their sister (Jenna Fischer) who they blame for their parents’ death in an accident.

6. Thou shalt have an adorable love interest.

OK, this is every movie with an underdog (or dogs). Here it’s virginal Jon hooking up with the equally chaste and sweet Jenna. They have a rather PG-date scene involving Sno-Cones. Perhaps to balance this sugar, Will’s character is a self-proclaimed sex addict who goes to actual meetings.

7. Thou shalt have to risk life and limb in order to be a contender.

In the double standard of such movies, when the rivals break the rules, they deserve to be punished, but when the heroes go out on a limb and try something risky, they are to be commended. Here it’s a move called the Iron Lotus from North Korea, which has actually resulted in beheadings.

8. Thou shalt face a number of obstacles after arriving at the big event, prior and during competing.

This means a quasi-kidnapping, which leads to a struggle to get to the ice in time. But that pales when an injury forces Will and Jon to switch places – and thus try the Iron Lotus in a way they have never before done.

9. Thou shalt have a scene in which a declaration of love, friendship, etc. is made with flair.

Will, having blundered into helping split up Jon and Jenna, does this to cheers from the championship crowd. And laughs from the viewer.

10. Thou shalt win big while their competitors lose embarrassingly.

Of course, Will and Jon wind up triumphing, while Amy and Will are caught cheating and hauled off in shame by the authorities.

Happy New Year!

 

Sisters: An Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT: ORDERLY HOUSE

AMY POEHLER chats with her parents, JAMES BROLIN and DIANNE WIEST, via Skype.

AMY POEHLER
So what’s up? It’s the good daughter checking in to make sure you’re still breathing. Oh, wait, you need to stand closer, so I can SEE you.

(under breath)
Jeez, we can do better than the typical old-people-don’t-get-this-newfangled-technology joke now, can’t we?
(squares shoulders, resolves to try again)

JAMES BROLIN
Amy, your mother and I are selling your childhood home because we’re busy having a life elsewhere. Can you tell your sister, TINA FEY, so we don’t have to deal with her probable potty-mouthed tantrum?”

AMY POEHLER
Er, you’re asking me for the sort of behavior you call me out for later in the movie…oh, all right.

DIANNE WIEST
Thanks, dear, we knew we could count on you! Now your dad and I are going to go have sex…I mean fun! We’re going to play canasta.

AMY POEHLER
OK, just don’t have a heart attack or anything. At least, not without telling me first. Bye!

INT: CHAOTIC HOUSE

TINA FEY is busy giving some random guy an eyebrow wax, when her daughter, MADISON DAVENPORT, arrives.

TINA FEY
OMG, you’re home. Where have you been all these months? Jeez, shouldn’t I be notifying the authorities if this was real life?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Everything’s fine, Mom. Why aren’t you at your job?

RANDOM GUY
Are my eyebrows supposed to be smoking?

TINA FEY
Er…I had the day off?

TINA FEY’s ROOMMATE
(storms in, holds up disgusting mass)
My doggie puked this up and it appears to be someone’s pubes. Tina, I’d really like you to leave soon.

MADISON DAVENPORT
This is grossing me out. I’m leaving again. Bye!

TINA FEY
Wait, are you supposed to be bipolar? At least stay long enough to establish a few consistent character traits, okay?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Isn’t it already obvious, I’m super-responsible because I’ve had to be the parent. That’s all the development I need. Bye.

TINA FEY
Fortunately, I’ve just gotten a call from my sister, Amy, who wants me to take a road trip to our Florida childhood home, so I don’t have to worry about stuff like a steady paycheck and a roof over my head. I’m outta here, too.

RANDOM GUY
Uh…hello?

FLORIDA HOMETOWN

EXT.: AMY and TINA’s OLD HOME

TINA FEY
What is THAT on our front lawn?

AMY POEHLER
It appears to be some kind of sign? Oh, wait, it says SOLD, so that’s a good indication that our house is no longer ours. Looks like our parents have up and sold our childhood home, which technically belongs to them and which they aren’t using anymore, but hey, how could they?

TINA FEY
(goes all Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”)

AMY POEHLER
Yeah, that’s why Dad asked me to tell you. We’ve got to get all our old stuff moved before the new people come.

TINA FEY
You FUCKING knew already?

AMY POEHLER
Let’s go inside and rummage around our eighties’ stuff to a montage. That’ll make you feel better.

They DO.

INT: AMY’and TINA’s OLD BEDROOM

TINA FEY
(reads from her old diary)
Today, I gave my first blowjob, after sneaking out after curfew to get my tongue pierced and get high.

AMY POEHLER
(reads from her old diary)
Today, I finished my algebra homework, ironed my socks and repotted my new cactus. Wow, we’re really playing against type here, aren’t we?

TINA FEY
Yep. Hey, are you wearing an outfit you had when you were a teen?

AMY POEHLER
(has a sneezing fit from the dust)
Apparently, our parents really meant it when they said they hadn’t touched our room. And apparently, when we were teens, we had more or less the figures we do now, since the clothes actually go on.

TINA FEY
I know what’ll cheer us up. Let’s have a HOUSE PARTY like we used to back in the day. And invite everyone we knew back then because that’s not remotely depressing or anything, right? And since no one but us has left the area, they should all be able to show up on such short notice.

AMY POEHLER
OK, as long as I get to drink, and you get to supervise. Since it was the other way around all through school.

TINA FEY
No fucking way…all right, if you insist.

INT: CONVENIENCE TYPE STORE

AMY and TINA go shopping and run into MAYA RUDOLPH.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Looks like you girls are having a party.

AMY POEHLER
Well, no…wait, you can come if you want.

TINA FEY
Since you have nothing better to do.

MAYA RUDOLPH
I do, too. I have a very fulfilling life. Besides which, I’m having a Jackie Gleason movie marathon.

TINA FEY
Boy, you really are a loser.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Look, so far this movie is desperate for some kind of conflict, since you and Amy get along so well, we need someone to add to the bitch factor. That’s my job.

AMY POEHLER
Whatever, we have to go.

Amy and Tina get pedicures and invite GRETA LEE, who is obviously oppressed and in dire need of fun because she is ASIAN and works in a salon, to their bash, as well as a whole bunch of random classmates they find on Facebook. Then they go clothes shopping, and Amy makes a super-secret call to her NIECE, who has been secretly staying with her, telling her to come on down and secretly join the fun because, hey, the more, the merrier. Then Tina tells Amy she has a new job and is moving here, which technically is a big fat lie.

INT:  CAR
TINA FEY
So what have you been doing for fun lately?

AMY POEHLER
I train service dogs and am mastering the art of making cheese.

TINA FEY
(slows car)
You need a life. Look, there’s IKE BARINHOLTZ doing landscaping. Go invite him to the party. Well, after making sure, he’s not married or anything.

AMY POEHLER
(actual question)
Hi, IKE. How are you with being made good-natured fun of by a couple of women who have never grown fully up?

IKE BARINHOLTZ
I’ll go with it. I majored in comebacks, with a minor in non sequiturs, so I think I can keep up with you.

AMY POEHLER
Great! And you’re single, right?

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Yep. Party at your place, I hear?

AMY POEHLER
Come on down. We may just be compatible.

Amy and Tina return home where they bump into the SNOTTY NEW HOMEOWNERS.

HUSBAND
We’re going to paint the porch blue because why not? It’s our home now, and we’re going to do this amazing thing called renovating to suit our taste. Which you have none of.

WIFE
And we’re gonna chop down your favorite tree, and pave over the grave of your beloved deceased dog.

TINA FEY
(actual line)
Your husband is GAY.

WIFE
What is this, elementary school? And why does it look like you bought out half a convenience store? Not planning on a party, I hope?

AMY POEHLER
No way, not us.

INT: HOUSE PARTY

FIRST GUEST
So look, here are the pictures of my latest mammogram.

SECOND GUEST
I can’t stay too long because we have to get back for the sitter.

THIRD GUEST
This one time? At the PTA meeting?

AMY POEHLER
(under breath)
Everyone is acting like a middle-aged person. Why did we not plan ahead for this? I mean, how bizarre is it that everyone is watching their alcohol consumption when they don’t even have to worry about getting carded?

TINA FEY
Let’s call JOHN CENA and buy some drugs. Because it’s a sure bet that no one has the maturity to just say no.

AMY POEHLER
OK, because even GRETA and her wacky friends, plus BOBBY MOYNIHAN acting like an idiot, and our lesbian friends who are DJ-ing can’t inject enough wackiness into this set-up. We need to get this party started!

TINA FEY
But first, I’m going to throw MAYA RUDOLPH out.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Your sister invited me. What the hell?

TINA FEY
Bitch factor, remember?

MAYA RUDOLPH
I’ll show you!

SOME TIME LATER

TINA FEY
(answers phone)
Mom and Dad? Oh, we’re just having a quiet movie night. That sound you hear is the DVD.

JAMES BROLIN
Good. Anyway, honey, we heard you have a new job and are moving here, so we are going to give you the proceeds from the house sale.

TINA FEY
Wait, you’re only just telling me this now? Isn’t this kind of an odd time?

JAMES BROLIN
Movie logic, honey. So I hope you girls haven’t spilled popcorn on the couch. Don’t stay up too late, hee hee.

TINA FEY
I gotta go.

(raises voice, rushes back to party)
OK, you can all go home now. Fun’s over.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
(cavorts half-naked with coke smeared around his nose)
Wheee! Coke is cooool! You’re supposed to be laughing at me, people.

REST OF GUESTS
OK, you’re marginally amusing. Now go away.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
Not a chance!

TINA FEY
Seriously, people, it’s time to go.

GRETA LEE
(dumps entire box of detergent into washing machine)
Cool! Bubbles!

MAYA RUDOLPH
(twirls mustache, pours paint into the sprinklers)

REST OF GUESTS
Well, we’ve pulverized the house, let’s go to town on the backyard!

(line up to sled through chocolate pudding, then cannonball off the roof into the pool)

Meanwhile, AMY is attempting to seduce IKE upstairs.

AMY POEHLER
(sprinkles hot candle wax all over Ike’s bare chest)
Apparently, we’re going to reenact “Body of Evidence.”

IKE BARINHOLTZ
You’ve got a kinky streak, I see. Shit!

Amy accidentally sets Ike on fire with a Garfield candle, only to realize that after she puts out the flames, there’s an even bigger problem.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Why do I hear music? Oh…

AMY POEHLER
That’s my music box. Which would explain why we hear music coming from a very unexpected place.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Ah! I’ve got a frigging music box up my ass. Don’t touch me, I’m leaving. They’re going to have hysterics in the ER, but it’s safer than here.

AMY POEHLER
No, wait.
(falls through floor)

TINA FEY
Jeez, you just wrecked the house even more. You think you’re so perfect, but you’re really not.

AMY POEHLER
(sticks out her coked up tongue)

MADISON DAVENPORT
(walks in suddenly)
What the hell?

TINA FEY
Hah, she’s been staying with you all along, Amy. Now this is actually a real grievance, but I’m going to act hysterical, and no one will take me seriously.

AMY POEHLER
What was that noise…

MAYA RUDOLPH
Aliens have just crashed their spaceship into the side of the house. Sucks to be you.

TINA FEY
Hah, good one.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Actually, a sinkhole has just opened up in the backyard, swallowing the pool. I’m out of here.

They rush out to find that suddenly, they’ve all stumbled onto the set of “This Is The End.” Amy and Tina express their emotions by mud-wrestling. with some hair pulling and eyeball clawing for variety. Then James and Dianne arrive.

JAMES BROLIN
What is this shit? Girls, it’s time to grow up.

DIANNE WIEST
You fucking wrecked the house you fucking fuckwits.

AMY POEHLER
(real line)
Mom, don’t swear.

DIANNE WIEST
Oh fuck off.

MADISON DAVENPORT
OK, I’m leaving again, since I’m the only person in this movie with any class and a triple digit IQ.

(slips, falls into sinkhole)

TINA FEY
Honey? Are you okay down there?

MADISON DAVENPORT
Yeah, but I think I found a copy of the SCRIPT. Also I’m gonna need a ladder to climb out.

JAMES BROLIN
You girls are grounded. Tina, you lied to us, and that’s not cool. And, Amy, stop trying to take care of everyone. Also, not cool.

AMY POEHLER
But…

JAMES BROLIN
Just. Get. A Fucking. Life. Already. But only after you and your sister repair the house.

DIANNE WIEST
Yes, get the fuck out of here, people.

IKE BARINHOLTZ
Wait, I’ve decided that I really like Amy, and I’ll donate my services for free.

TINA FEY
Looks like setting a guy you’re trying to impress on fire is the way to go.

BOBBY MOYNIHAN
(falls out of tree)
Whoo! Sex-eee girlfriend!

Amy and Tina, using pluck, determination and good old-fashioned elbow grease, fix up the house. Afterwards, all is sunshine and roses, and they live happily ever after.

Movie Review: Sisters

With all seriousness, do there really exist parents who do nothing with their children’s bedroom after the children are long grown and have families of their own? I suppose, in “Sisters,” you could argue that the parents (James Brolin and Dianne Wiest) simply live too full a life to have time to renovate it. Also, there needs to be a premise for their adult daughters (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler), to return home to clean it out – which is here because their Florida childhood home has been sold to a snooty rich family, and they have to vacate it under deadline. Their room looks like a Generation X time capsule, and it isn’t clear if anyone has actually set foot in the room in years, but in wading through the clutter, they decide it’s the perfect excuse to rejuvenate a high school tradition and have a house party. Cue the wacky high jinks. And reinforce the floorboards.

Amy plays the responsible sister (who interestingly, is the younger), a divorced nurse who keeps busy by giving inspirational cards to street people, training rescue dogs, and learning to make cheese. When she dutifully Skypes her parents at the beginning of the film, they break the news and pass the buck because they don’t want to deal with their other daughter’s (Tina’s) probable tantrum when she discovers they are moving. Tina plays a single mom with an adorably responsible teen daughter and a colorful vocabulary, who has just been fired from her hair salon job, so she has plenty of time to join Amy on their road trip. Amy hasn’t had much of a love life lately, so Tina encourages her to ask a hunky neighbor guy (Ike Barinholtz) to their party. Another guest is the Asian pedicurist they meet while preparing for the party, who brings her friends, which livens things up considerably.

While shopping, the sisters also run into Tina’s frenemy from high school, Maya Rudolph, who still holds a grudge for being excluded and who plans on a little gate crashing/revenge. Meanwhile, Tina agrees to be the “party mom,” and not drink, so that Amy can “let her freak flag fly.” In the course of an evening, someone will get impaled on a ballerina music box, and the house will be destroyed – but the upside is that Tina will learn to take some belated responsibility and Amy will learn that she doesn’t need to always be the fixer in her family. Several other characters also learn things in colorful ways, as well.

If you’ve seen the trailer for “Sisters,” you already know how the movie will unfold, including that ballerina music box scene, which is the best argument I’ve ever encountered for not having sex in someone’s un-renovated childhood bedroom. Things get pretty surreal as the party progresses, and when the elderly parents finally do clue in to what’s going on, their language mirrors that of Tina’s (so that’s where she got that from). But in the end, they all realize the importance of letting go – even if it does an evening of demolition to hammer it home.